


Finding Peace

by rubberduckz84



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Grief, Hurt, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:35:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubberduckz84/pseuds/rubberduckz84
Summary: Roxie swore she'd never step foot in a jaeger again and she hasn't. But every day she still battles demons from her past. Now the Marshal wants her to go along with a foolish plot to end the battle with the Kaiju once and for all. But at what price?
Kudos: 6





	1. To Prepare

**To Prepare**

Roxie moved through the crowded hanger towards the main control room. She wasn’t sure why Pentecost summoned her. None of the jaegers were scheduled for use or tests and there had been no reports of kaiju. What’s more, if any of the pilots had needed her, they would have just contacted her directly - as they usually did. She had been enjoying a well-earned nap in her room after overseeing that day’s training with the cadets when Mako had knocked on her door and ordered her to come with her. It was rare to get much time to herself, especially with the upcoming mission and all the decommissioned jaegers being sent to Hong Kong, so she was a bit put out, to say the least. 

She thought Pentecost had been out of his mind when he asked her to come to Hong Kong six years ago. At the time, she wanted nothing more to do with the Pan Pacific Defense Corp., happy to retire and try and forget her time as a pilot. But he had somehow convinced her not to leave. That she could play a vital role still. So, she transferred from Sydney to Hong Kong and spent her days training cadets, counseling pilots if needed, or tracking down someone’s favorite ice cream or liquor.

Pilot liaison, he had dubbed her.

“He’s leaving to retrieve the new pilot today,” Mako said, glancing over at the young woman as she stepped up to her side, pulling her shoulder-length red hair into a messy bun on the top of her head.

“Joy,” Roxie replied with zero enthusiasm. “Let me guess, he wants to see if we’re drift compatible.” Mako smiled slightly and shook her head.

“I think he understood that after the first time you fought over it,” she replied. “Though I still don’t fully understand. I want nothing more than to be a ranger.” 

“Been there, done that. Not fond of the memories,” Roxie replied, catching the triplets in a rousing game of basketball. She tried to duck her head, lest they see her and convince her to join them after her meeting in the control room. She was horrible at it, but they still dragged her into a game whenever given the chance.

“Roxie!” one of them shouted. She glanced over, waving as she sped up. It was Hu shouting at her. “Got time for a game?”

“Not at the moment, loves!” she called back cheerfully.

“We’ll find you later!” Jin shouted.

“Sure,” Roxie said, before turning and rolling her eyes.

“You should just tell them that you do not like to play,” Mako said softly, though she was smiling.

“And break their hearts? I don’t think so,” Roxie said with a sigh. “Besides, the whole point of me being here is to work with the pilots. And do all the shite that you and the Marshal don’t have time to do.”

“I do not understand how you do it sometimes… I hardly see you as it is with all the work you do,” Mako replied as she glanced over at the Kaidonovskys. 

“I still don’t understand why they make you nervous. Really, Sasha’s just a big teddy bear and Aleksis is lovely,” she said, waving at them. Sasha smiled warmly and waved back. Mako just sighed and shook her head.

“Are you ready for the new pilots? Two are coming in today,” she said, glancing over at the red-headed woman.

“Got everything lined up for their accommodations and such. Helps that I’m familiar with them,” she said.

“Ah, yes, you were stationed in Australia with the Hansens for several years,” Mako said. “I nearly forgot.” 

“It’ll be good to see Herc again,” Roxie said, though a bit of strain entered her voice. Mako studied her but didn’t say anything. The closer they got to all the remaining jaegers and pilots arriving at the shutterdome - as well as the mission Pentecost had put together, Operation Pitfall - the more reserved and agitated Roxie became. Mako suspected it had to with what happened in Sydney, but she was too nervous to ask if Roxie wanted to talk about it.

She learned from experience that it was never a good idea to push Roxie too far on that subject. The normally bright and friendly woman would either shut down or lash out. Then lock herself in her room and only emerge when she had work to do. The Wei Tang brothers and Pentecost seemed to be the only ones that could talk her out of one of her moods even though Mako considered the two close.

They continued walking with Roxie studying the new Gipsy Danger as they passed by. She couldn’t believe they had rebuilt it in the time that they did. She was equally as curious as to whom they would get to pilot it. She knew Pentecost wanted to ask her, but she had made it very clear from the first day she arrived six years ago that she would never step foot in another jaeger. She also knew Mako was the next best candidate - depending on how well she could drift with whoever was meant to be co-pilot. But Pentecost wouldn’t allow Mako in a conn-pod, this was a well known fact. So instead, the young woman had been working with Roxie, the two going over all the promising cadets.

The two entered the main mission control room and Roxie came to a stop, watching as Pentecost stood looking at various status updates displayed on the screen.

“Thank you, Mako,” he said without turning around. “We’re bringing in a pilot for the Gipsy Danger in a few days, Williams. You’ll need to speak with him once he arrives. Help him settle.”

“Understood,” Roxie said.

“Mako says you’ve been helping gather various candidates for co-pilot,” he said, glancing at her. 

“Been doing the best I can, considering I don’t know who it is,” she said breezily. “Apparently that’s on your orders.” Pentecost sighed heavily.

“This one… well. I may need to rely on you a bit more with him,” he said. “Though Mako will be his primary contact.” Roxie glanced at him, curious as to just who Pentecost was hoping to recruit. Rangers were a dying breed and there weren't too many experienced pilots still alive as it was. 

“Worried you can’t convince him to come?” she asked, her face betraying nothing.

“I know I can. Once he gets here, he may need help acclimating,” he said. Roxie frowned slightly. “He hasn’t been in the program for five years.”

“And what makes you think he’s fit enough to return?” Roxie asked, confused. Helping new pilots acclimate wasn’t something new to her. She had done it with every pilot that had come through the shutterdome. She just wasn’t sure why Pentecost was being so cryptic. Almost as though he were tiptoeing around something. 

“He piloted the Gipsy Danger before with his brother,” Pentecost stated simply. Roxie’s eyes widened as she turned to face him. “And he’s the only Mach 3 pilot still alive.”

“You can’t be serious,” she said, a face immediately coming to mind. She had never met Raleigh Becket, but as jaeger pilots were a dwindling kind, she was very familiar with those that remained and their backgrounds. She knew what the poor man had been through and was slightly horrified that Pentecost would even consider bringing him back in. Not with the memories he was sure to take into the drift.

“Very serious, Williams,” he said, not looking at her.

“Are you sure about this, Marshal? You know what he’s going to bring into the drift. Is it worth inflicting that on someone else?” she asked. She blinked as her own horrible memories flashed before her. shoving them aside. Now was not the time for them.

“It’s my decision, not yours, Williams. And he’s the best to pilot Gipsy Danger. Do I need to remind you that he’s only one of two pilots who has controlled a jaeger on his own?” he said sternly. Roxie knew she was fighting a losing battle.

“Very well. I’ll do what I can to help when he arrives… should he need it,” she said, resisting the urge further argue.

“Good to see we have an agreement,” Pentecost replied. “I’d hate to see all those courses on psychology and counseling I paid for go to waste.” Roxie narrowed her eyes at him. Of course he’d hold that over her.

“May I remind you-”

“Sir, the Hansens are in the staging area,” Mako said, stepping up to them and interrupting Roxie before she went on a tirade. The Brit seemed to be the only one brave enough to take on the Marshal. It often did not end pretty.

“Good. Officer Williams will see that they are situated. I need to leave,” he said, returning to the status updates. Roxie stared at him a moment.

“I’ll be seeing to our guests, then,” Roxie replied curtly as she turned and walked out of the control room. Huffing, she made her way down to the jaeger staging area, Mako following behind her.

“Do you not want Becket here?” she asked. “I’ve read the reports and he’s-”

“It’s not his abilities I’m concerned about, Mako. I know how good he was. It’s those goddamn memories he’s likely to take into the drift with him,” she said, pulling her tablet out of her pocket and calling up all the information on the Hansens’ and their accommodations. “It could put the team at risk unnecessarily.”

“But, the Marshal seems to think he can handle it,” Mako said, furrowing her brow.

“The Marshal can kiss my arse,” Roxie grumbled. “I’m here to keep these pilots safe and alive. If he’s not going to take my advice, then the blood is on his hands - not mine.”

“He wouldn’t try to recruit Becket if he didn’t think it would work,” Mako replied matter-of-factly. Roxie stopped and looked down at her.

“Forgive me for caring about the well-being of the people piloting giant, mechanical death machines,” she growled. Mako jumped slightly. The taller woman shook her head and immediately her whole countenance changed and softened. “I’m sorry, Mako. It’s not your fault. Just… this mission and everything…”

“I know, Roxie. If you want to talk about it later, we can,” Mako replied, her worry evident on her face. Roxie straightened her shoulders and smiled briefly.

“Thanks, but I’m fine,” she said. “And I need to get to the Hansens.” Mako nodded and started off in another direction, though she kept glancing back at her. Roxie quickly made her way to the staging area, noting that the Eureka Striker was already being loaded into its landing bay.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” a familiar voice said. Roxie glanced over at the father and son and couldn’t help but find herself smiling. She had always liked Hercules Hansen, even though they had left things on a bit of a rough patch when she transferred to Hong Kong. He had taken her under his wing when she was but a rookie pilot first stationed in Sydney. Everyone back home had thought she and her brother were mad when they decided to leave Britain and join the Jaeger Academy, but Herc had been more than happy to teach them everything he knew. 

“It’s good to see you, Herc,” she said, stopping in front of him. “Really.” 

He studied her a moment and grinned before pulling her into a hug. Roxie’s eyes widened, but she found herself returning it, albeit slightly stiffly. She still wasn’t so used to the contact. Not anymore.

“I’d say you look about the same as you did when you left six years ago,” he said, letting her go and studying her. Roxie blushed slightly and looked down.

“I doubt that,” she said, glancing over at the tall, young man standing next to him with a bulldog. While she was had seen pictures and knew how Chuck looked now, it was still a bit of a shock to see the once annoying teen who followed her and brother around all grown up.

“I hardly recognize you, Chuck,” she said, smiling. She stepped over and hugged him as well. He had been a bit on the obnoxious side, but she still had a soft spot for the kid. 

“Dare say I’m bigger than you now… and not a kid anymore,” he said with a smile and a wink, causing her to chuckle.

“I think part of me will always think of you as that skinny tyke that followed Jamie around like a puppy,” she replied.

“Here I thought he was following you around,” Herc said, his eyes twinkling.

“I was not,” Chuck retorted as he frowned at his father, suddenly seeming every bit the whiny teen he had been despite his size.

“And I’ll tell you what I told you then - still too young, mate,” Roxie said. Chuck flushed slightly and he turned to look back at her.

“Ah, but isn’t age just a number?” he asked. Roxie swatted his arm playfully.

“Still trying to master flirting, I see,” she jested. “Follow me. I’ll get you sorted.” She turned on her heel and motioned for the two men to follow her.

“How you been?” Herc asked as they walked.

“Doing well,” she replied, maneuvering in and out of workers as they made their way to the residential wing.

“Seems Pentecost found the perfect job for you,” Herc commented. Roxie glanced at him and nodded.

“It’s a good fit. I like looking after the pilots. Keeping them in order and the like,” she said. Herc chuckled.

“Never thought I’d see the day that you were in charge of keeping pilots in order. Not from the hellion you used to be,” he said.

“I wasn’t that bad,” Roxie replied, frowning slightly.

“You were and you know it,” he said.

“Well… I’ve grown up since then. Comes a time for everyone when they need to put reckless things aside and safety first,” she said matter-of-factly. Herc glanced over at Chuck, the two a bit surprised to hear such words. Was this really the same Roxie Williams? “Here we are. You’ll be here Herc. And Chuck, you’re right next door. I'm just down the hall.” She turned to face them. “You can go check on Eureka when you’re settled. If you have any problems, contact me at any time.”

“Thanks. I’ll find you for supper, yea?” Herc said. Roxie nodded and smiled.

“See you then,” she said before turning and walking down the hallway towards her room, looking down at her tablet. 

“Since when did she get so serious?” Chuck asked. “Here I was excited to see her again. Thought she could teach me a few things or go for a drink. But now… safety first?” He looked over at his father, perplexed. Herc was silent a few moments before sighing.

“Reckon I had a bit of something to do with that,” he said, looking a bit crestfallen. 

“What did you do?” Chuck asked.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past,” Herc said, walking towards the door to his room. “I’ll see you at dinner. Bit tired from the trip.”

Chuck watched as his father shut the door behind, scowling. Once again, his father shut him out. But he was used to it by now.

“Come on, Max. Let’s get settled,” he said with a sigh.


	2. Hot & Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> Operation Pitfall has all sorts of memories coming to the surface for Roxie, causing her to lash out at others, though all they want to do is make sure she's alright.

**Hot and Cold**

“Roxie! Are you coming to dinner or not!” an impatient voice shouted through the door while banging on it. Roxie groaned as she sat up on her bed. It felt like it had only been about 15 minutes, but upon looking at the clock, nearly two hours had passed since she laid down for what was supposed to be a short nap. 

“Fuck,” she murmured as she pushed out of bed and rubbed her eyes. She hadn’t intended to sleep that long, but she had been up late drinking with the triplets the night before after working with Mako on the cadet list for a few hours. Glancing at her tablet, she breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t slept through anyone attempting to contact her.

The banging started up again.

“Coming!” she shouted as she grabbed a gray knit cardigan and pulled it on. She yanked the door open, seeing a smiling Mako on the other side. 

“The Marshal’s already left,” she said giddily as the two fell into step with each other and headed towards the canteen.

“That so?” Roxie replied as she stretched. “Means we get, what, three days of freedom?” Mako chuckled.

“Yes, though I still have to finish up the cadet list,” she said. “And you have training and more pilots to look after now.”

“Why don’t you put your name at the top of the list and save yourself some work?” Roxie asked, smiling at her.

“You know the Marshal will never allow it,” Mako said, looking slightly disappointed. Roxie sighed and shook her head. Even though she’d never pilot again, she couldn’t begrudge Mako for having the dream. Sometimes even she missed the rush. “Besides, I could just put you at the top and accomplish the same thing.” Roxie snorted.

“That is the worst idea and we both know it,” she said, glancing at the short woman. “I’d refuse to give myself clearance.”

“I know. Which is why I won’t do it,” she said with a sigh. “So, tell me about this Chuck. Is he really like how he seems on TV? Were you close?” Roxie shrugged.

“He used to follow me and Jamie around all the time. Ask us about piloting. It was a bit annoying but still cute at the same time. Think he was about 15 when I left,” she said. Mako glanced at her and smiled slightly.

“He’s not a kid anymore. And he could not take his eyes off you earlier,” she replied. Roxie rolled her eyes and chuckled.

“Still several years younger than me,” she said. “Besides it’s a bit unprofessional, is it not?”

“Like I haven’t seen you flirt with the triplets,” Mako said. Roxie looked down at her in mocked surprise.

“I’ve done no such thing,” she replied as the two stepped over and grabbed trays of food, though a slight flush came over her cheeks. As if on cue, Jin stood and waved the two over to their table. Mako just winked at Roxie as they walked over and sat down.

~~~

Across the room, Chuck and Hercules were already seated among the Eureka Striker crew, digging into dinner.

“So, why’d you think Roxie never came back to pilot?” Chuck mused, watching as the tall redhead sat at a table with the Wei Tang triplets and Pentecost’s daughter.

“Thought it was obvious. She didn’t want to,” Hercules said simply. “After that last mission, she just didn’t have it in her to do it anymore.”

“The one that killed her brother?” Chuck asked, glancing over at him. Herc nodded.

“I tried to talk her into staying in Sydney. Wait to see if we could find another pilot that was drift compatible with her, but she refused. Wanted to leave the defense corp altogether, but Pentecost managed to convince her to stay. Offered her a job here. Got her training so she could start counseling cadets and rangers,” he said.

Chuck looked over at the table again, seeing her toss something across the table that hit one of the triplets in the face before laughing hysterically. The Russian couple were now sitting next to her, egging her on.

“There’s the Rox I remember… maybe she hasn’t changed completely,” he said lightly.

“Maybe… but some wounds are easier to hide,” Herc said. Chuck glanced at his father and then returned to studying Roxie, wondering just what he was talking about.

~~~

Roxie laughed loudly at another of the triplets’ jokes. While she attempted to remain impartial in her work, she was always drawn to them more that the others. She told herself that it was because of their personalities, but she knew deep down it was because they reminded her of the relationship she had once had with her brother.

As she looked across the table at Jin, Cheung and Hu, for a moment she saw a flash of a younger version of herself and a young ginger man. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and willed it away. She was normally much better at controlling it, but something about the past few days had her off.

“What’s this? Not getting stuck memories again, are you?” Cheung asked. Roxie’s eyes flew open as she smiled at the brothers and shook her head no, not saying anything. She didn’t notice the look of concern that passed between him and Hu.

“Or maybe she is daydreaming about the new pilot,” Jin said, grinning. She frowned at him.

“Not you too,” she said, rolling her eyes. “He’s 21!”

“When has age been an issue?” Aleksis asked, smirking.

“I’m nearly 30,” Roxie said, glancing over at her, narrowing her eyes, though she was smiling slightly.

“He is a bit handsome. Though seems arrogant,” Mako commented.

“All rangers are arrogant,” Roxie declared, glancing at the triplets.

“Not us,” Hu said, trying to keep a straight face.

“Oh, is that so? News to me,” Roxie said, nonchalantly, though she was smirking at the three.

“You wound me, Roxie,” Jin said, dramatically clasping his hands over his heart. “I’ll never recover from this.” Roxie rolled her eyes and shook her head as the triplets continued on for a few more minutes, lamenting their status as arrogant rangers.

But then a throat cleared behind them and all fell silent as Roxie turned around to see Chuck standing there.

“We’re in need of some dog food. A little birdie tells me you’re the woman to talk to about finding things,” he said, smiling. Roxie nodded and stood, picking up her tray. 

“Until next time, boys,” she said, winking at the triplets.

“Round two tonight?” Jin shouted after her as she walked away.

“I’m not sure you lot can handle round two,” she replied without turning around. 

“You're on!” one of them shouted back, she wasn’t sure which. Roxie chuckled as she put her tray down and started out of the canteen.

“There are several supply rooms, but the one closest to the residential wing is going to have most of what you need,” she said, glancing over at Chuck. He was studying her intently, causing her to blush slightly as she remembered the others’ teasing. She most certainly wasn’t interested and definitely didn’t want to encourage him in any way or form.

“Sorry, just it’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. Didn’t know you transferred here after Sydney,” he said.

“Yea… Pentecost wooed me, suppose you could say. Surprised your dad didn’t say anything about,” she commented. Chuck shrugged.

“Suppose that’s my fault. I was so caught up in training and piloting,” he said.

“And you were just a kid when I left,” Roxie added.

“Not a kid anymore,” he shot back. Roxie chuckled.

“You’ll always be a kid to me, Chuck,” she said, leading him down and around various corridors. 

“I _am_ the best pilot in the jaeger program,” he said confidently. Roxie laughed as they came to a large door and she punched in a code.

“Try not to get too cocky,” she said, glancing back at him. Chuck scowled slightly. She was starting to sound like his father. Though likely because she had trained under him.

“Reckon, I’ve managed to break even your records. You and Jamie’s, that is,” he said. Roxie nodded as the door opened, then strode in and started looking through the shelves. 

“Good on you,” she said, not meeting his eyes. Chuck could sense the tension in her voice. He didn’t remember her ever being so serious. Ever. She was usually laughing, telling a joke or pranking her brother or the other rangers. This somewhat detached Roxie was a new and completely different person.

Chuck couldn’t help but miss the old Roxie as well as realize that he really didn't know this new person.

“What happened?” he asked, the concern genuine in his voice. Roxie glanced over at him, an eyebrow raised.

“You really have to ask?” she said before turning back to the shelves. When he didn’t answer, she sighed heavily. “I grew up, Chuck. Something you’ll understand when you’re older.” Chuck ran his hands through his hair.

“Come on, Rox. Lighten up. It’s me. we used to talk for hours in Sydney,” he said, stepping towards her.

“Chuck, that was six years ago. I’m not that person anymore,” she said, frowning.

“Is this about Jamie?” Chuck asked. Roxie winced and didn’t answer. “He was a good pilot,” Chuck said, stepping closer. “One of the best.”

“I know,” Roxie replied shortly. “I was in the conn-pod with him.”

“I learned a lot from you two. Really looked up to you,” Chuck continued earnestly. “You two and my dad were the reasons I went into the academy.” Roxie closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

  
“I’d rather not talk about it, if you don’t mind,” she said curtly, opening her eyes and continuing her search. Chuck didn’t say anything more, shifting on his feet until she finally stopped and pulled out a large bag of dog food and tossed it at him.

“I’ll send you the code so you can get in yourself next time,” she said, now falling into a professional politeness, leading him back out. Once the door shut, she turned to look at him. “Will you be needing anything else?” Chuck shook his head no. “Well then, I’ll be off. Call or message if you need me.”

“Thanks,” he said. He watched as she nodded and turned to walk down the corridor, heading towards the residential block. She really had changed.

~~~

Roxie walked quickly, feeling the urge to be alone. She kept going until she was back in her room. Grabbing a bottle of whisky from her bookshelf, she poured a small portion of it in a glass and turned to face the photos pasted on the wall over her desk. 

“Here’s to you, Jamie,” she said softly, holding her glass out. She then took a sip and walked over to her laptop on her desk, putting on some music as she sat the glass down. Quickly, she pulled off her clothes, slipping into gray sweatpants and a tank top before lying on her bed and staring up at the ceiling. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t like talking about Jamie - she had regaled Mako and the triplets with stories about him. Even spoke about their jaeger training. But when it came to anything remotely close to that last mission, she didn’t want to go there. She knew it was her fault. Nothing Pentecost or Herc or anyone could ever say would make her think anything different, though God knows they tried.

But she pushed the thoughts aside for the moment as she glanced over at the wall, seeing a photo of her on Jamie’s back in front of a large jaeger, her head tossed back in laughter. That had been a good day.

Her eyes slowly drifted close as she let the music flow over her.

~~~

_Roxie stood in front of the large jaeger, the Union Jack prominently displayed on the chest of it. She took a deep breath and smiled._

_“She’s a beaut, isn’t she?” her brother said from next to her. Roxie nodded, feeling her excitement build. They were going to take her out for their first trial run in the morning, but she wanted to hop into the conn-pod right then._

_“Finally made it,” she said, glancing up at him. While he was a good few inches taller, the red hair gave them away as siblings. Though not many knew at first glance they were twins._

_“First Brit jaeger pilots. We’ve got the entire country rooting for us,” he said, a matching grin on his face._

_“Sure, we’ve got a lifetime of free drinks waiting us back home. Just don’t get killed on me,” she replied, elbowing him in the ribs._

_“Oh, I’ll not be dying,” he replied with a laugh. “Besides someone’s got to look out for you.” Roxie rolled her eyes._

_“I’m fairly certain that I’ve proven by now that I don’t need my brother looking out for me. I know you’re older, but don’t forget it’s only by two minutes,” she said with a huff._

_“Oh, I think you do. If anything, I need to protect you from the riff raff,” he said, glancing around the busy hanger at the various people walking around. “Don’t like the way some of the blokes have been looking at you.”_

_“Again, don’t need you there,” Roxie said with a snort, returning to studying the jaeger. “I’m here to pilot and that’s all. And you’re one to be talking, Mr. Casanova.”_

_“It’s me charm,” he said with a wink._

_“What charm?” Roxie asked with a snort as she started walking away, heading to the cafeteria._

_“Then maybe the accent? Or the fact I’m a ginger,” he continued. “The ladies love a ginger.”_

_“Fuck off,” Roxie said, grinning over her shoulder at him. “Race you to supper?”_

_“You’re on!”_

~~~

A heavy pounding on the door roused her just a few hours later. Roxie looked over at the clock, noticing it was nearly midnight. Groaning she got out of bed, and made her way over to the door, looking through the peephole. Rolling her eyes, she saw the grinning face of Jin. Of course, they’d send him. He had the best track record in talking her into things. Things that had potential to get her in trouble, but at the same time lived for since it was the closest she got to how she felt before everything. She opened her door and frowned.

“What is it?” she asked, still feeling sleepy as she leaned against the door.

“I’ve come to fetch you,” he said, attempting to mimic her accent.

“No, Jin. I’m not in the mood tonight,” she said. “It’s late.”

“Come on! We’ve already started without you! And the Marshal won’t be back for three more days,” he pleaded. “When will get another chance like this?”

“You’ve never let him being here stop you before,” she replied. “And what if a kaiju attacks and you lot are too drunk or hungover to fight properly? It’s highly irresponsible.”

“We’re not expecting another for a few more days,” Jin said, leaning towards her. “You know you want to…” Roxie rolled her eyes. She stepped back into her room and grabbed her tablet as she slid into a pair of slippers.

“Fine, but not as late. There’s new pilots to take care of, and no telling what I’ll have to do tomorrow on top of the usual training and counseling sessions,” she grumbled as she shut her door behind her. “Might as well get Mako. With the Marshal gone, it’s the only time she’ll get to play as well.”

“Already tried, she’s still working on the cadet list,” he said with a sigh as they walked down the hallway. He glanced at her, a worried look coming over his face. “How are you?” Roxie winced, hearing the concern in his voice and not wanting to see the expression on his face.

“Can we not go there?” she asked. “I’ve already had enough today.”

“You know you _can_ talk to us, right?” he asked as he stopped in front of the door to the triplets’ room and turning to face her. “You spend so much time listening to and taking care of everyone. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well.” She sighed and smiled, looking up at him.

While she didn’t want to talk about it, she still appreciated the triplets trying to look out for her.

“Thanks, but not right now,” she said softly, before standing on her tiptoes and kissing his cheek. “I appreciate it, though.” Jin smiled and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug, causing her to gasp slightly, partly in shock and partly in pain. “Don’t kill me, ya bugger!”

Jin laughed as he let her go and pushed the door open. Down the hallway, she caught sight of Chuck, stopped in front of his own room, watching the two with a curious look on his face. Roxie nodded at him then disappeared inside. “What’s it tonight, boys?”

~~~

_“You’ve got your eye on that one bloke, don’t you,” Jamie said from next to her. Roxie kept her eyes fixed on the instrument panel, though she groaned slightly._

_“Downside of being in the drift,” she muttered as Jamie chuckled. “Nothing’s going on.”_

_“Come on, Rox. You can tell me,” he said. “Besides, you’ve not been on a date in ages. And I know you like to have a bit of fun.”_

_“No, you’re the one who talks me into fun and I’m the one who usually pays for it,” she stated with a huff._

_“Not true. You don’t need any talking into. And it’s not my fault you like to challenge me and everyone else to drinking contests,” he said._

_“Focus, Jamie,” she muttered as she heard Herc yell at the two to stop chatting._

_“It’s just training,” he said. Roxie shot him a glare and he quieted down as they began going through various maneuvers._

_“Not like I’d get much of a chance with you hovering all the time,” she said, finally, wanting to get the last word in._

_“I don’t hover,” Jamie shot back._

_“Yes, you do.”_

_“Children! Save your spats for outside the conn-pod, will you!” Herc shouted, though Roxie could detect a hint of laughter in his voice. “Besides, I’ve got $10 on Roxie.” She grinned cheekily at her brother. “Though Marcus does have a girl back home, just so you know.” Her grin turned immediately into a frown as Jamie started laughing._

_“We need to work on your dating choices,” he said. Roxie rolled her eyes._

_“Shut up. We need to finish these exercises.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Realized that I never posted this story here, though I've had it up on FF.net for a long time now. Bit of a dark story, fair warning.


	3. Fighting the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> Each night with more nightmares pushes Roxie towards the edge of her sanity.

**Fighting the Past**

Roxie groaned slightly as she collapsed on the bench next to Mako the next morning, shooting glares at the grinning triplets across from her as she gripped her head. Though she couldn’t completely blame them. She had only stayed an hour and hadn’t had that much to drink. It was the dreams that had kept her up the rest of the night and had her in a foul mood - not a hangover.

She hadn’t had this many dreams and nightmares about her past in a few years. Back then she had drunk herself into oblivion to block them out, but she didn’t want to go back to those days. Not with everything it had taken her to get to this far. Not to mention, Pentecost would personally throttle her with his own two hands if she relapsed, if Jin or Mako didn’t first.

“No more nights like that,” she said firmly, still glaring at the triplets. “We need to be focused from here out.”

“Sure…” Cheung said, still smiling. Roxie rolled her eyes and reached for a steaming mug of coffee.

“What would the Marshal say if he found three of his pilots hungover?” she asked, still look at them sternly.

“He won’t,” Jin said lightly.

“Bloody triplets and their bloody no hangovers,” she grumbled, causing Mako to chuckle.

“Roxie! There you are! Was hoping you could show us where the gym in this place is,” Herc boomed and he and Chuck walked up to her. Roxie grimaced slightly as her head started pounding from the lack of sleep. She smiled up at him and nodded.

“Of course,” she said, standing. She grabbed her coffee mug, taking it with her. “Follow me.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re nursing a bit of a hangover there,” he said with a chuckle.

“Bloody triplets,” she muttered as Chuck caught up to them, bring the dog with him. She’d much rather Herc think that was the reason why she wasn’t feeling well than get into the real reason. It was bad enough she had the others worried about her.

“As I recall, you used to be better at handling hangovers,” Herc commented. Roxie just shook her head.

“You’ve no idea,” she replied. “The triplets will be the death of me someday. Even though I don’t allow them to talk me into it that often.”

“I seem to remember you being just as rambunctious once,” Herc said, glancing down at her.

“I wasn’t that bad,” Roxie said, frowning slightly as he gave her a look. “You know Jamie egged me on most the time.” 

“Said the same thing back then, as I recall,” he said. 

“Did not!” Roxie found herself saying defensively as he chuckled.

“Absolutely did too. How many times did I get after you for it?” he asked. “And how many times were you and Jamie in cleaning out the toilets because of whatever trouble you got into?”

“Bloody Jamie didn’t understand how not to get caught,” Roxie said as she scowled.

“More like you couldn’t talk you’re way out of trouble nearly as good as you thought you could,” Herc said with a chuckle.

“Worked sometimes,” Roxie muttered. “And still passed all our tests and drills with flying colors. Not to mention, how many of our records are still unbroken?” A bit of her old fire flared up in her eyes as she looked at her former mentor.

“You could always focus when you needed to,” Herc replied. “I always admired that about you – in the middle of chaos and you never lost your cool.” Roxie looked down at the floor, feeling her cheeks heat up slightly. Even after all the years, she still couldn’t help but crave Herc’s praise.

But then thinking about being in the conn-pod again ultimately led to thinking about other things. Things that were far more painful. Roxie quickly pushed those memories aside.

“Well, I definitely don’t make a habit of it now, save for special occasions,” she stated, returning to all business. “Need to set a good example for the cadets.”

“Of course,” Herc said, glancing at her, a slightly odd look on his face. She brushed it off as she put her ID card against a reader and the door slid open.

“As you can see, we have a good set-up. We’ve got about anything you could need,” she said boredly after they walked in, obviously having made this speech before. She turned to face the father and son. “Showers and locker rooms are that back that way. Bring your own towel.”

“Thanks, Rox,” Hercules said, smiling. She smiled tensely and then nodded.

“If you need anything, I’ll be in my room for a bit and then I’ve to oversee training with the cadets and got a few counseling sessions this afternoon,” she said before walking out of the gym.

“Can’t seem to figure her out… For a bit, it’s like the old Roxie and then she just... shuts down,” Chuck said, watching her go. She stopped just out of the gym, obviously having heard someone shout her name. She stood in profile, waiting for another officer to walk up to her and show her something on a table. She bent over it, tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear. 

“Suppose everyone changes when you go through something like what she’s been through,” Herc said. Chuck looked at him.

“She gets a bit defensive with that,” he replied. “Whenever Jamie or the accident is brought up.” Herc sighed and shook his head.

“He was her twin, Chuck. More than just losing a co-pilot. What’s more, she still blames herself for it,” he replied, looking over to see Roxie walk off. Chuck stared at his dad a moment.

“What do you mean blames herself? It was an accident, wasn’t it?” he asked. “I’ve seen the videos and I thought she was bloody brilliant despite the hit they took.” Herc shook his head. Of course, Chuck would jump to Roxie’s defense. Though, she had been rather creative when they had been backed into a corner.

However, he could still clearly see her that day in his mind’s eye. Roxie had vacillated between wailing inconsolably and staring silently into space, all the while insisting that it was all her fault. Even if it wasn’t, she wouldn’t listen to anyone.

“Just… best to not bring it up with her,” he said starting towards the door. “It’s still a sore spot.” Chuck stood a few moments, watching his father’s back as he walked away. Of course, he would walk away right now. The old man was never that great at communicating, despite the fact that Chuck would see everything in the drift. He had seen his father’s memories and knew that he was close to the Williams twins. Chuck had always been a bit jealous of the close relationships he had with the other pilots that he never seemed to have with him.

Truthfully, that was another reason he had idolized Jamie Williams. He had hoped that if he someday became as good or better than Jamie and Roxie, then perhaps he’d finally have a close bond with his father. Here he was at 21, broken a fair amount of records, and still there was a wall between them. And there was now one surrounding Roxie as well.

Max woofed softly, getting Chuck’s attention. He sighed as he looked down at him.

“Come on, Max. Let’s go get some air.”

~~~

_“Why are you all mopey?” Jamie asked, shoving Roxie’s shoulder as he sat next to her. She glanced at him and returned to picking at her food, not speaking. “You’re not still sore about training today, are you?”_

_“Herc really laid into me,” she said, staring at her plate._

_“Come on, it wasn’t that bad,” he said._

_“He yelled at me in front of everyone!” she nearly shouted. “I’m fairly certain that they heard him on the other side of the shutterdome.”_

_“Well… He **did** have a point…” Jamie started to say. Roxie cut him off with an icy glare._

_“What’s that? That I was being reckless? It worked out, didn’t it?” she spat. “Bloody got the kill in the end.” Jamie sighed and rubbed his face. Roxie always had a bit more of a temper than he did. And while he tended to get them into a fair amount of trouble out of the conn-pod, she was always the first to jump into something without thinking it through properly in combat. While most of the time she was quick on her feet and a brilliant strategist, she did have a record of attempting maneuvers in training that would likely get both of them killed in the real world._

_Case in point, the ruse she had pulled off in the simulator today. If they had really been in the British Rose, she probably would have destroyed several city blocks in the attempt to take down the kaiju. Even Jamie was starting to get a bit annoyed with her._

_“Sometimes it helps to stop and think things through a bit more,” he said cautiously. “It’s easy to do that sort of thing in the simulator, but you know when we’re out there, it’s different.”_

_“We’ve taken down how many kaiju now, Jamie? You know my instincts are good,” she retorted, returning to staring daggers at her food._

_“Yea, and I also know you sometimes take risks we don’t need to take,” he said. “And yes, we. I’m in there too, and I’m in your head.”_

_“Not like you haven’t let me forget that,” she muttered. Jamie rolled his eyes._

_“Rox. I’m on your side. You know that. But you’ve got to listen to me more,” he said. “I’m usually game to go with your crazier plots, but today… we could have seriously gotten hurt if that were the real thing.”_

_Roxie was silent, still pushing her food around her plate. She knew he was making sense - of anyone, Jamie always understood her best. And she had been a bit more reckless than she had intended to be. But she had only attempted it so that she could prove herself to Herc and the others (she was currently the only woman ranger, as it was). The humiliation of Herc’s admonishment was still too fresh and painful._

_“Talk to me, Roxie,” Jamie said softly, getting her attention. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out._

_“I just…” tears started pricking at her eyes. “I’m sorry, it’s just… I know what I’m doing out there. It’d be nice if you could stand up for your own bloody sister every so often, you know?”_

_“I know you do. I’m in your head, you git. But sometimes you take it too far,” he said gently. Roxie glared at him._

_“You’re supposed to be on my side!” she shouted as she stood. “And you didn’t do anything to stand up for be in there!” Roxie began storming off._

_“Roxie, stop. Let’s talk about this,” Jamie said, spinning around in his chair and then standing to follow her._

_“No. Just leave me alone, Jamie,” she shouted as she stomped away._

~~~

Roxie shot up in her bed, the sheets tangled around her legs as she looked around frantically. Her breathing was haggard, and her hair stuck to her sweaty forehead and neck. She threw the sheets off and stood, looking over at the clock. It was about 4:30 a.m. Sighing heavily, her thoughts returned to that last argument with Jamie and she could feel the tears starting to well up, though she struggled to fight them off. She shut her eyes as she began rubbing her temples, willing the shouting to leave her head. Opening her eyes, she started pacing around the room.

She knew there was no way she’d get anymore sleep. And Roxie desperately needed to quiet the voices in her head, so she quickly changed into her workout gear and headed to the gym. A few hours in there should settle her mind enough that she could focus on the day’s work ahead of her.

Once in the gym, she hopped on the treadmill and started running, gradually increasing the speed until she felt like her lungs were going to burst and her legs started aching. But at the same time, the memories began to fade as the shouting disappeared, and her mind started to settle.

Operation Pitfall was the most important mission they had ever had, though it certainly wasn’t the first time they had tried to bomb the breech. But if they succeeded, they would close the breech once and for all. Regardless of how it went, it was the last mission Roxie intended to work. With the jaeger program discontinued, there would be no need for her. She had already told Pentecost of her intention to finally leave the corps and go back to England. After all the years away, she felt like she was finally ready to return even though Jamie wouldn’t be there. Her family was already ecstatic to have her back.

“Come here often?” a voice asked. Roxie powered down the treadmill and looked over, seeing Herc walk in. She smiled slightly, still breathing heavily as her old mentor walked over.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she said. He nodded and walked over to a weight bench, patting it. Roxie walked over and sat next to him, leaning over on her knees as she continued to try and get her heart rate back down.

“Has it been bad?” he asked softly, frowning slightly. “The nightmares?”

Roxie was silent a few moments, not sure she wanted to get into this conversation. But then again, this was Herc. She sighed and rubbed her face.

“A bit,” she admitted. “The past few days, weeks, I… I just keep seeing him. Jamie. Reliving the same argument over and over again… and then seeing that day…”

“I’m sorry about that… Suspect my being here dredges some of up those. I don’t want to make things harder for you,” Herc said. Roxie smiled slightly and shook her head.

“It’s not your fault. Just, this mission… It’s the last one. I’m leaving after this, you know,” she said. “I think it’s just the fact that I’m finally gonna walk away from it. And this mission... it’s dangerous… reckless, almost. And it brings so many memories back.”

“To be honest, I’m surprised that you stayed this long. Being around rangers and jaegers. Can’t be easy,” he replied. She swallowed hard and stared at the floor.

“I didn’t want to at first. Thought it would be too hard, but Pentecost convinced me that there was still more I could do… that I shouldn’t forget what Jamie said to me just before…” she stopped and shook her head. “This is why I can never step foot in a jaeger again. I can barely control my memories now, how am I supposed to push them aside in combat?”

“He told you to not to give up. From what I can see, you haven’t,” Herc said, placing a comforting hand on her back. She looked over at him and smiled.

“Almost did a few times. Wanted to,” she said. “It was my fault, after all…”

“But it wasn’t, Rox,” he said sternly. Roxie laughed haggardly.

“It was. You yelled at me just the day before for being reckless. He and I had our largest fight ever just before that damn mission, and I was… I was trying to prove myself and, and… it was my fault,” she said. “I let my selfish desire to prove you all wrong get in the way of being smart…” Herc reached over and pulled her close to him as he saw a fresh sheen of tears in her eyes.

“It wasn’t your fault. You had good instincts. You were a good ranger. He was too. You both knew the risks and what happened… it could have happened to anyone,” Herc said as he rubbed her arm.

“But it happened to _Jamie_ … I’ll never forgive myself for it,” Roxie whispered.

“You’ve got to stop this, Roxie. You’ll never move on if you don’t let it go. If you don’t forgive yourself,” he said softly.

“What right do I have to move on? What right? He died, Herc! And I lived! I have no right to be here when it was my stupid decision that got us in that situation to begin with! Or to be happy with the fact I’m still alive. I should have died with him!” she shouted, pushing him away as she stood and started pacing. Herc just watched her walk back and forth, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“We’ve lost a lot of good pilots, Roxie. A lot. Fighting kaiju is not something just anyone can do. You were a _good_ pilot. You can’t let what I said to you then make you think that you messed up or made a mistake or that you weren’t good enough,” he said. Roxie stopped and stared at him.

“But you were right,” she said softly. “God... I never should never become a ranger. Then maybe Jamie would still be here.” Herc sighed heavily. He shook his head.

“I’m going to say it again - it’s not your fault, Roxie. If it’s anyone’s, it might as well have been mine,” he said, looking up at her. “I was leading that mission. There's blame to go around.” She shook her head.

“You gave me a direct order that I ignored. I should have listened,” she said. Herc stood and walked towards her.

“Stop blaming yourself, Roxie. If it was your fault, why would Pentecost ask you to come back? Give you this job? What you do is important and you’re good at it. You help keep these pilots alive,” he said.

“Because I have to make up for losing Jamie,” she said softly. Herc just stared at her. Roxie shook her head. “I’ve got to go.” 

Before he could respond, she ran out of the gym. He didn’t know where she was going, but just sighed and shook his head. It wasn’t her fault, but he could see why she would blame herself.

“What was that about?” Chuck asked as he stepped into the gym, obviously having just ran into Roxie. “Nearly plowed over me and then snapped my head off.”

“Survivor’s guilt,” Herc said with a heavy sigh. Chuck frowned slightly. “Jamie forced her into the escape pod, knowing that his was damaged and he wouldn’t be able to get out himself.”

“I don’t remember that in the video or the reports,” Chuck said.

“Comms were damaged. I only caught the end of the conversation and then Roxie was shouting obscenities at Jamie,” Herc said. “She won’t forgive herself, when honestly… I’ve gone over and over that mission, and there’s nothing they could have done differently.” Herc shook his head. “I thought maybe by coming here, we could finally make amends or something…”

Without speaking further, Herc sighed heavily and left the gym. Chuck just shook his head as he watched his father go, a tiny prick of bitterness in his chest. Still seemed his father was more interested in repairing his relationship with one of his mentees than his own son.


	4. Small Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> In the midst of everything, Roxie finds small happiness, though still won't allow herself to fully enjoy it.

**Small Happiness**

Roxie stood watching the triplets train, her green eyes fixed on them as they moved rapidly while the rest of her remained still. She kept glancing over at the clock, counting down the minutes until the Marshal returned with the new pilot. She wasn’t completely sure, but something about her felt unsettled with this one. Mostly because she was worried Pentecost would want her counseling him and she wasn’t sure she could listen to him talk about losing his brother when she still couldn’t face up to losing her own.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mako walk out, no doubt off to meet the Marshal and new pilot. Sighing, she fixed her eyes back on the triplets. She had to focus. The upcoming mission would be the one to end it all and it wouldn’t do to have her stuck in her memories.

They would need her.

Crossing her arms in front of her, she went over everything she had read in Becket’s file to prepare. He had been working construction the last five years, leaving the jaeger program after the death of his brother - which had happened while they were still in the drift. Roxie winced, glad at least she had been spared that bit. Granted, being twins, she and Jamie had their own special kind of connection. She diverted her thoughts back to Becket; after his brother had been killed, he finished taking out the kaiju on his own and got the jaeger back to shore. Outside of the Marshal, he was the only one to have ever done that.

Five years was a long time away, Roxie thought to herself. He’d likely be rusty. Not to mention they had to quickly identify someone who was drift compatible with him or else the whole mission would be a bust. Glancing around at the various cadets watching the triplets, Roxie wondered if any of them would be capable. More than that, she hoped they would find someone so that the Marshal wouldn’t launch into one of his ‘save the world’ speeches and get her back in the conn-pod. She had been gone six years and would definitely be rusty despite staying with the corps. Not to mention, she wasn’t completely sure she could handle the pilot’s harsh memories. And she definitely did not want to push her own on him. It sounded like a disaster waiting to happen - the two of them feeding off each other’s dark memories.

Her tablet buzzed. She looked down at it, seeing that the Marshal had messaged her to meet them in the control room. She sighed and started out of the room.

“What? Are we boring you, Rox?” Jin yelled with a grin. Roxie rolled her eyes.

“Duty calls,” she said back, smiling.

“Catch you later for a game?” Hu asked. Roxie shrugged.

“If I’m not too busy with the new pilot,” she said, walking out. She quickly made her way to the control room and took a deep breath, looking out over the jaeger staging area. The triplets walked into the large area and started talking to their crew, likely taking her absence as an opportunity to skive off from training. She then glanced around until she found the Marshal walking through with the new pilot, Mako following close by. He was no doubt giving him the rundown.

“Checking out the new pilot?” Tendo Choi asked. Roxie glanced over at him. He had been brought on for the Gipsy Danger and Roxie had yet to get to really know him, but he seemed nice enough.

“For the most part,” she said.

“I was tech on the Gipsy before. With him and his brother,” he replied. Roxie nodded slowly.

“See why the Marshal brought you on,” she commented. He laughed and nodded.

“How long you been here?” he asked. 

“Six years,” she said.

“Hear you used to be a pilot. That’s why you’re so good at handling them,” he said. Roxie took a deep breath.

“Suppose it comes with the territory,” she said, still following the trio. They had run into the Hansens and the new pilot seemed frustrated. Her tablet buzzed again. She looked down.

“Staging area,” Mako had sent. She turned and walked out of the room. Before she felt completely ready, she was quickly making her way up to the group in the staging area. The new pilot watched intently, asking questions here and there. Roxie had to admit, she wasn’t sure how this would play out. It wasn’t like it was the first time they had attempted to drop bombs in the breach. But the Marshal seemed to think it would work this time. Roxie waited patiently on the sidelines. After they had finished, the Marshal glanced over, seeing her. He motioned her over.

“And this is Officer Roxie Williams. She is our pilot liaison,” he said. “Roxie, this is Raleigh Becket.” Roxie nodded and smiled.

“What exactly do you do?” he asked, studying her.

“Basically, I’m here to make your life a bit easier - especially with the Marshal so busy,” she said. “Something you need, feel free to ask. I’m available at any time and I have a knack for finding things. I also do regular counseling with the rangers and cadets as well as help with training.” 

“Thanks, but I should be good,” he said, looking away from her and back towards the Marshal. Roxie nodded and looked over at the Marshal herself, not in the least bit offended being brushed off.

“Need me for anything?” she asked as her tablet buzzed. She glanced down, seeing a message from the triplets. Even though they were just on the other side of the cavernous room, she wasn’t surprised that they texted.

“That’s fine. I can see the Wei Tang brothers have summoned you,” Pentecost said, the faintest of smiles on his face. They all knew she lived to spoil them.

“Yes, I should see after them,” she said before nodding and turning.

“Why do you need a pilot liaison?” she heard Raleigh ask.

“She needed a job six years ago and I knew she’d be invaluable to the defense corps,” Pentecost said, a note of finality in his voice.

“She looks familiar,” Raleigh said.

“She piloted the British Rose with her brother Jamie,” Herc volunteered. Roxie bristled slightly as she glanced back towards the group, noticing Raleigh studying her again. She quickly stepped away before she could hear anymore.

Time to see what the triplets wanted.

~~~

“I hardly consider this a reasonable request,” Roxie said, frowning. 

“We needed one more to do two-on-two,” Jin replied. Roxie rolled her eyes, tossing her button-up shirt on a stool and walking over to the three. “You’re with Hu.”

“I do have actual work to do, you know,” she said, starting to smile. “And you have a rather large crew to choose from for this.”

“Right, showing the new pilots the ropes. They’ll buzz if they need you,” Cheung said, grinning and ignoring the comment about their crew. They all knew how bad she was at basketball and often invited her just for the sheer enjoyment of teasing her about it. Roxie sighed and moved into position. 

“Best make it quick. The Marshal sees me playing with you lot and I’m likely to get reamed out,” she said.

“Don’t worry. We know how you play. It’ll be quick,” Jin said. The game set out and Roxie once again was cursing her inability to jump high enough to block their shots, despite being rather tall herself. She prided herself in staying in shape, but for whatever reason she would never be able to master the game of basketball. Especially not when playing against men who seemed able to read each other's minds.

“This is clearly a foul!” Roxie shouted, though she was grinning. Jin had her around the waist, keeping her from making it closer to the hoop.

“Not the way we play!” Cheung shouted back as he tried to grab the ball from her.

“You’re supposed to be on my team! Help me, Hu!” she shouted, trying to stomp on Jin’s foot. 

“So, this is what the pilot liaison does,” a voice said. Jin let go of Roxie as she looked over at Chuck, who was watching the group in amusement.

“One of my many talents,” Roxie said, tossing the ball at Cheung hard. He groaned slightly as his brothers laughed at him.

“Talent? You call that talent?” Jin asked, swinging an arm around her shoulders. Roxie scowled up at him, though her mouth was twitching. She could see him glancing at the new pilot out of the corner of his eye, which almost made her laugh out loud. Leave it to the triplets to get protective. She looked back over at the Australian.

“Anything I can do for you Chuck?” she asked as Hu tossed over her shirt and she pulled it on over her tank top, buttoning it up quickly.

“Dad was looking for you,” he said, frowning slightly at Jin as he walked away from her. Roxie nodded and looked around for her tablet.

“Very well, just give me a moment,” she said. She turned finding Jin holding it out to her. “Give it, Jin.” He grinned as he hopped back from her just as she reached out, keeping it just out of her fingertips. “Bloody bastard.” She lunged towards him just as he tossed it over his shoulder to Cheung, who caught it deftly. He bent down, catching Roxie on his shoulder, which just caused the woman to start kicking as he lifted her up.

“Put me down!” she commanded. “I am a higher rank than you!”

“We’re the same rank, or are you forgetting, _Officer_ Williams,” Jin said.

“Seriously!” Roxie shouted, though she was grinning. She started pounding him in the back and he finally relented, placing her on the ground again as Cheung handed her the tablet. Roxie glared at the two. “I’ll deal with you later.” She then turned on her heel and walked towards Chuck. “Where to, then?”

He started walking off, motioning for her to follow him and Roxie fell into step.

“You always so close to the pilots?” he asked, glancing back at the triplets. Roxie shrugged.

“The triplets have been here as long as I have,” she replied. “They were the only ones I had to look after for a long time. Though they live to aggravate me.”

“Didn’t seem so aggravating there… not the one who had you in the air,” he said, glancing down at her.

“Ah, Jin. Yes, he lives to aggravate me the most,” she said.

“Sure, there’s nothing more there?” he asked. Roxie looked up at him, trying to determine just what he was getting at.

“I’m close with all the pilots here. The Kaidonovskys, too,” she said. “They rely on me.”

“That so?” he asked. He glanced around and then looked back over at Roxie. “So… know where to get a drink around here?”

“There’s a drinking district not far from the shutterdome, though obviously pilots have a curfew in case there’s an attack. Most bring their own on base,” she said lightly. “If there’s something specific you want, I can usually get it. But we have some stocks of beer and the like.”

“What is it you usually get?” Chuck asked.

“Whiskey. Either Macallan or Laphroaig,” she said immediately. “The Kaidonovkys usually go for vodka.”

“And the triplets?” he asked, an eyebrow raised.

“Whiskey,” she said, still looking forward. “Anything you want?”

“I’m okay for now,” he said. “Could use a drinking partner, though.” Roxie glanced over at him, catching his smile.

“I’ll get back to you on that,” she said, still not wanting to encourage him. Christ, the younger man just didn’t give up, did he?

“Ah, the triplets got you again?” he asked.

“Not at the moment. But with the new pilot here, I’ve got my hands full. Not to mention with the mission coming up and the Marshal back on base,” she said. “Need to stay sharp and focused.”

“I see,” he said. They stopped in front of Herc’s door in the residential area. “Suppose I’ll leave you to it, then.” Roxie nodded as she knocked on the door. Herc opened it and smiled at her.

“Rox! Good to see Chuck found you, come on in…”

~~~

Roxie was walking back to her room after spending a few hours chatting with Herc about - thankfully - housekeeping things, when an arm shot out and pulled her into a smaller corridor. Her back slammed against the wall, causing her to wince and curse in pain. She looked up, seeing Jin smirk down at her.

“What are you doing?” she hissed, glancing out into the hallway trying to hear if anyone was coming.

“It’s been awhile,” he replied, bending down to nuzzle her neck. Roxie rolled her eyes.

“Jin… we decided we weren’t going to do this anymore,” she said softly, losing the edge to her voice.

“I thought we were just cooling off for a bit to avoid rumors,” he said before placing a soft kiss just under her ear. “It’s been long enough.” Roxie closed her eyes momentarily before taking a deep breath and pushing him away from her.

“We can’t do this, and you know it,” she said, looking up at him, her brow furrowed.

“And why not? I don’t recall seeing it anywhere in a rule book,” he replied, caressing her cheek.

“I’m the pilot liaison. How would it look if it gets out that I’m shagging one of the pilots?” she replied. “Besides, you and I both know that Pentecost would have both our heads for this.”

“I’m sure he already knows,” he said, chuckling. Roxie rolled her eyes.

“All because you lot don’t understand the concept of keeping a secret,” she whispered back. “Sure, everyone knew after Hu and Cheung went on at dinner the once.”

“I’ve never seen your face go that red. It was… enchanting,” Jin said, leaning back down to kiss her, but Roxie turned her head. Instead, Jin sighed and leaned his forehead against hers. “When are you going to realize that this isn’t some… fling… for me?”

“I can’t do this, Jin. You’re a ranger. Every time you go out there, there’s a chance you’re not coming back. You saw me after my brother… I couldn’t survive it if it were you,” she said, softly, gazing up at him.

“I will always come back to you,” he said seriously. “And we both know it’s not about that.”

“You don’t know that,” Roxie said, her eyes starting to tear up. 

“You do not believe in our ability? How many times have we protected Hong Kong now?” he asked, smiling slightly. Roxie sighed.

“I’m being serious, Jin,” she said.

“As am I,” he said. “I love you, Roxie. I’ll keep saying it over and over again until you finally realize it’s true.” 

“I know it’s true,” she said softly. “I just…” She swallowed and looked away, unable to say anything further. She didn’t think she deserved to be with him. To be happy. Not after what she did to Jamie.

“I know,” he said, sighing. “And I won’t push you on it, but one of these days you are going to have to allow yourself to be happy again. Truly happy.” 

“Don’t go there, Jin,” she whispered, looking up at him. “We both know what happened.”

“Yes, and I know it wasn’t your fault,” he replied. Roxie just stared at him, the tears pooling in her eyes. “Besides, I like to think that one of these days I’ll wear you down with my charm.” He smiled slightly, causing Roxie to sigh in exasperation.

“Jin…”

“Seriously… you can’t resist me,” he said, leaning closer. Her mouth twitched as she rolled her eyes.

“Bugger, I’m going to hell,” she muttered before pulling his face down to hers and capturing his lips with her own. She could feel him smile as he pressed his tall body against hers. 

She couldn’t lie - she missed this. She missed him sneaking into her room late at night after the others were asleep. She knew there was the risk of being found out - she never knew when someone would need something in the middle of the night. But luckily it wasn’t often; the last time was when Hu woke up with a stomach virus and thankfully already knew Jin was there. But they had had a few close calls over the years. Enough that they had called it off several times before they somehow were drawn back to each other.

Part of her knew it was ridiculous to fight it. Pentecost wouldn’t care - in fact she was sure he had pushed them together, starting with shortly after she arrived when he had her in charge of Jin’s physical therapy when he sprained his ankle in training. She had been a mess drinking in her room alone nearly every night. Jin had helped her through the worst of it, and they both found eventually there was something more than friendship there.

But that still didn’t stop her from thinking she didn’t deserve it. That she didn’t deserve to be happy with Jin. And there was always the chance that one day he would go out there and he wouldn’t come back. It would devastate her regardless, but she still thought that if maybe she denied herself the relationship, it would make it less painful.

The sound of footsteps coming down the hallway outside their hiding place caused Roxie to push him away, glancing out. 

“Roxie,” he murmured into her hair. 

“Shh, someone’s coming,” she whispered back, still not looking at him. She watched as Becket walked by. She sighed softly and looked up at him. “I’ve got to go.” He nodded but held onto her waist.

“Let me come over tonight,” he whispered back. Roxie started to say no, but one look in his eyes stopped her. She nodded, smiling slightly.

“I’ll go first,” she said, stepping towards the hallway. She then casually stepped out, heading in the opposite direction of Becket.

“Officer Williams,” a voice called out, causing her to grimace before she plastered a smile on her face and turned around. The new ranger was studying her curiously. Roxie tucked her hair behind her ears self-consciously. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jin stop just before stepping out, smirking at her.

“How can I help you, ranger?” she asked brightly.

“I was just trying to find the canteen and seem to have gotten lost,” he said. 

“I was just heading there. You can come with me,” she said. He nodded and stepped up to her. The two set off down the hallway. Roxie glanced over at him occasionally. It was the first time they had been alone together.

“Been training?” he asked, glancing down at her.

“What? No. Why?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“You just seem a bit flushed,” he replied. Roxie glanced over her shoulder, seeing Jin strolling down the hallway in the opposite direction. “Where did you come from anyway?”

“Nowhere,” she said offhandedly, deciding she did not like the way he was looking at her, as though he knew something she didn’t want him to know. 

“I, ah, I heard about you,” Becket said, glancing down at her. “The British Rose?” Roxie nodded.

“That was a long time ago,” she said.

“I get it. I know why you wouldn’t want to pilot again,” he said bluntly. She tensed slightly, fighting off the urge to make a retort. Of all the people who might understand her, she knew Raleigh Becket was likely one of them.

“It’s a bit different than your situation,” she said, not looking at him. “I was to blame.” Raleigh was silent a few moments, causing her to glance up at him. The look on his face wasn’t one of pity or concern, but rather as though he was trying to read her.

“Not from what I heard,” he said finally. Roxie laughed harshly.

“How would you know that?” she asked. “You weren’t there.”

“But I’ve heard enough about it. Read the reports. Even saw some of the control videos. You did everything you could,” he said. 

“Pentecost put you up to this?” she asked, evading his comments. He laughed softly.

“No. But when I heard you were here, I was surprised he didn’t bring you along to convince me to come back,” he said.

“I told him to leave you in peace,” she replied. “I’m not about to try and convince someone who went through… that… to get back into a jaeger.”

“Wasn’t that hard, to be honest,” he said with a sigh. 

“Everyone is eager to die in a bloody jaeger,” she muttered. 

“What was that?” he asked, leaning closer to her. 

“Nothing,” she replied quickly. 

“You know, if you want to talk about it, I’m a good listener,” he said, glancing down at her.

“There’s nothing to discuss, ranger. Besides, that’s my job. To listen to you,” she said briskly. Raleigh nodded. The two continued in silence until they walked into the cafeteria. Herc called out to Becket, holding a tray of food for him. Roxie quickly and quietly took her leave and grabbed a tray of her own, making her way to sit next to Mako, who gave her a knowing look.

“You worked with her. She always so closed off?” Becket asked as he and Hansen sat down across from his son Chuck, motioning towards Roxie. The triplets had sat across from her, causing her cheeks to go slightly red.

“Unfortunately, a new habit she’s developed over the years. Couldn’t get her to shut up when she was a ranger,” Herc said, starting to eat. Chuck looked over at the group.

“She’s obviously shagging one of them,” he replied. Herc reached over and smacked him in the head.

“They’re close. Doesn’t mean anything,” he retorted. “Have some respect. She does outrank you.”

“Saw her going into one of their rooms the other night,” Chuck said, glowering at his father.

“The three share a room and she drinks with them on occasion,” Herc said, still scowling at him. “You don’t know what that woman’s been through so shut your mouth about things you don’t understand.” Chuck looked sullenly at his food.

~~~

Over at the other table, Mako elbowed Roxie. 

“Will you help me with the cadet reports tonight?” she asked. 

“Can’t. Got something else,” Roxie replied quickly.

“What’s that?” Mako asked, sneaking a glance over at Jin.

“Nothing to concern yourself about,” Roxie said quickly, frowning at her. Mako just shrugged and smiled.

“Sure, Rox,” she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll admit, that romance snuck up on me, but made sense once I got it down. Kind of set it up without realizing it.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	5. Late Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> No one knows what tomorrow is going to bring working in the corps, but for Roxie, all she needs is just one more night with the man that she loves.

**Late Meetings**

Roxie paced around her room that night, looking towards the door. She checked her tablet several times, knowing that nothing had come through. She had her alarm on the highest volume in the hopes she could head off anyone should they need her. Around 11 p.m. there was a soft knock on her door. She crept over and looked through the peephole. Relief filled her as she saw Jin, opening the door and pulling him in before anyone saw. 

“Someone is happy to see me,” he said, grinning down at her as he pushed her against the door.

“Just trying not to get us caught,” she said, smiling up at him. He ran his hands up and down her sides, taking in her slinky black tank top and shorts.

“This new?” he asked, bending down to kiss her.

“Nah, just haven’t seen me like this in a while,” she said before meeting his lips. She started running her fingers through his hair. Jin quickly picked her up as Roxie wrapped her legs around him and he walked her over to the bed. He gently put her down before lying on top of her. 

“You know you only throw on these sexy little numbers for me,” he said, smirking down at her. Roxie chuckled and pulled his head down towards hers again before moving her hands down his body and running them up his shirt as she wrapped her legs around him. “Slow down, killer. We have all night.”

“I know… just didn’t realize how much I missed you. This,” she whispered, looking up at him.

“You’ve had a rough few days, haven’t you?” he said softly. Roxie sighed as he rolled off her and pulled her into his arms on the small bunk. He pushed her hair back from her face as she gazed up at him.

“It hasn’t been easy,” she admitted. She didn’t want to talk about it, but she knew how persistent Jin could be. Best to get it over with.

“Think it’s all the new rangers?” he asked, frowning at her. “You did work with Hercules in Australia. Sure, it brought up more memories.” She nodded.

“We’ve talked,” she said. “Didn’t make it easier… just dredged up more things.”

“I know it’s hard for you,” he said. “But you need to face this someday. It wasn’t your fault.” She stared at him.

“You know I don’t like to talk about this, Jin,” she said. 

“I know, but I won’t stop until you get it through that head of yours that it wasn’t your fault and you deserve to be happy.” She sighed heavily and looked away, frowning. “Roxie…”

“Just… can we leave it for tonight,” she asked, glancing up at him. “Besides, you know I’m leaving after this mission. And then I’m going far away from any shutterdome. Not to mention, the program’s been discontinued. Likely they won’t need you anymore either.” Jin smiled and kissed her forehead.

“Tell me more about England,” he said, changing the subject. Roxie chuckled.

“I’ve told you everything,” she said, rolling her eyes slightly.

“I know, but I want to make sure I know everything before we go,” he said. Roxie shook her head.

“Still planning on that? Well, we’ll go to London first. That’s where Jamie and I grew up. But my mum’s family is from the countryside, so suspect we’ll go there as well,” she said. “And Dad’s family is in Scotland, so likely we go to the Highlands.”

“Right… where the warriors are from,” Jin replied. Roxie chuckled.

“It’s been a long time since they were about,” she said.

“But that’s where you get your spirit. I can tell,” he said. Roxie gazed up at him.

“What about Shanghai?” she asked.

“We can go, but there’s not much there for me to show you. My brothers and I, we mostly grew up on the streets, you know,” he said. Roxie nodded.

“But surely there’s something there. Some good memories?” she asked. He shrugged.

“Most of my best memories are here… with you,” he said. “Wherever you want to be, that will be home to me.”

“You’re really serious about this?” Roxie asked, propping herself up. They talked about it a lot, but part of her never really gave into believing it. Making plans for the future was a dangerous thing in their line of work. It brought up hope that could be dashed to bits in one mission. 

“Of course, I am,” he said. “We’ll retire after this mission. And then you and I can go wherever you want.”

“With your brothers, of course,” Roxie said, rolling her eyes slightly.

“Is it so bad an idea?” he asked. She shook her head, grinning.

“Never,” she said, leaning in to kiss him again. What started as light, turned deeper as Jin pulled her closer to him. But just as Jin slid his hand under her top, a knock sounded at the door. Roxie groaned as she fell on her back and looked over towards the door. Another knock. “Duty calls,” she muttered. She pushed off from the bed and padded over to the door, warning Jin to stay silent with her eyes.

She pulled the door open slightly, seeing Chuck standing there. He obviously was not expecting to see her dressed in black silky pajamas. And had obviously been drinking a bit from the way he swayed slightly. She had honestly forgotten what she was wearing and cursed not grabbing a robe before she answered the door as he looked her up and down.

“What can I do for you, ranger?” she asked tensely, not particularly happy with the interruption.

“Just thought I’d check in on you,” he said, starting to smile as he glanced down at her pajamas again. 

“I’m fine, but thanks,” she said, starting to shut the door. She could see Jin started to get out of the bed from the corner of her eye as Chuck whipped his hand out, stopping the door.

“Got some top shelf whisky in my room. Thought we could catch up,” he said, leaning towards her. Roxie frowned.

“Told you earlier, I’m not interested,” she said, trying to shut the door again. “Not tonight.”

“What? Got one of the triplets in there with you?” he asked, trying look into her room.

“No one but me, ranger. And I’m warning you, you’re about to cross a line,” she said coldly. Chuck stopped and stared at her a moment.

“You know, I don’t get you, Williams. You used to be more fun,” he said. Roxie glared at him.

“How would you know? You were a kid the last we knew each other,” she said. “We barely knew each other as it was.”

“Just not sure what I did to make you hate me,” he replied, a sad look quickly coming over his face. Roxie just blinked at him and then sighed.

“I don’t hate you,” she said, her voice soft. “Just… I’ve spent the last six years trying to forget Australia. But that’s none of your fault. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to bed.”

“Can we at least start over? I know you’ve changed, but so have I,” he said, sighing. “I’m not a kid anymore.” She stared at him a moment before nodding.

“Yea, but can we please talk about this another time. Now really is not good for me. And you’ve been drinking,” she said. Chuck stared at her a moment before nodding. But before he could say anything, there was a bump and hiss from in the room. Roxie’s eyes widened, not wanting to look in and give up Jin.

Though from the look of suspicion on Chuck’s face, it didn’t matter. He obviously knew that someone was in there with her.

“What was that? Who’s in there?” he asked. Roxie rolled her eyes.

“It’s none of your business. Now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, trying to shut her door again.

“Come on, Roxie,” Chuck said, starting to laugh harshly.

“Look, Ranger. I live my life the way I see fit. It’s none of your concern,” she said, narrowing her eyes at him and starting to tire of this. She just wanted to shut the damn door and get one with her night.

And preferably with few to little words.

“Who gave you that hickey? Was it the one that threw you over his shoulder?” Chuck asked, leaning towards her. Roxie’s eyebrows flew up as color painted her cheeks.

“As I said, it’s none of your concern,” she said, lowering her voice. “You’re walking a thin line, ranger. You’ll do well to remember your place. Now go back to your room.”

“Tough words coming from a ranger who walked away,” he replied harshly. Roxie glared at him.

“I may not have stepped foot in a jaeger in six years, but that does not mean I walked away. I’ve had to work the com room every goddamn time we send a jaeger out,” she spat. “I did not walk away, though I certainly could have.”

“But you won’t get back in. Why’s that? Afraid you’ll screw up and kill someone else?” he asked. Roxie sucked in a breath, the tears pricking her eyes. A pained look came over Chuck’s face as though he instantly regretted his words. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that.”

“What? You were only speaking truthfully,” she said softly. “It’s what everyone thinks anyway.”

“No… it’s not… I’m sor-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Chuck. Goodnight,” she said, shutting the door and then leaning her forehead against it, closing her eyes as the tears streamed down her cheeks. Immediately Jin was at her side, pulling her away from the door and into his arms.

“It’s not true,” he said as he held her close to him. “Don’t listen to him. He was drunk and saying stupid shit.”

“But it is,” Roxie whispered. “We both know it.”

“No, it’s not” he murmured. “You’ve got to stop thinking that it is.” Roxie pushed him away and ran her fingers through her hair.

“No, it’s not, Jin. He’s right,” she said, the tears falling faster as she stared at him. “He’s right… I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have…” She started wheezing slightly as it became harder to breathe while the tears fell faster down her cheeks. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Rox,” he said, his voice stronger. “Listen to me.”

Jin reached out and grabbed Roxie, pulling her back to him and he held her tightly.

“But I should have checked,” she said, her voice muffled by his chest.

“You did everything you were supposed to. You didn’t know his escape pod was damaged,” Jin said. “And if you had waited, both of you would be gone.” 

“We wouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place if it weren’t for me… And at least I would be with Jamie and I wouldn’t feel so guilty,” she said, looking up at him. Jin kissed her forehead.

“You’ve got to stop this, Roxie. You cannot blame yourself for living,” he said softly. “Jamie wouldn’t want that.”

“But he was my brother. My twin,” she said. “And he’s dead because of me.”

“No, he made sure that you were safe,” Jin said. Roxie nodded and leaned her head against his chest, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly, trying to center herself. “It’ll be alright, Roxie.”

“I don’t know if I ever will be,” she whispered. Jin sighed again and kissed the top of her head as he held onto her and let her continue to cry a few moments.

“It will be,” he whispered. “I know that it will be. Just… hold on.”

Roxie didn’t reply, only tightened her hold on him. Jin stepped back from her, taking her hands and leading her back to the bed. He then laid down and pulled Roxie down to him, once again wrapping his arms around her as she continued to silently cry.

This wasn’t the way either of them had wanted the night to go, but in knew that he couldn’t let her go. And somehow needed to get her to see that she had survived for a reason. And part of that, he felt was so that she would come into his life.

“I love you, Roxie,” he said softly. The soft sobs stopped as she looked up at him, her eyes now brighter from her tears. “And I’ll always love, even you can’t seem to get it though that thick head of yours that you’re meant to be here. With me.”

She swallowed and smiled slightly.

“I’ve gone and ruined the night,” she said. Jin smiled and chuckled, shaking his head.

“You didn’t ruin anything,” he replied.

“Ruined the mood,” she said. Jin laughed again and pressed a firm kiss against her lips. In just a second, it was as though he reignited the fire that had been previously burning in her before they were interrupted.

“Think I can fix that,” he murmured, resting his forehead against hers, a smirk filling his face. She couldn’t help but laugh softly as she looked deep into his eyes.

“You are far too good to me,” she said. “I don’t deserve-“

Roxie was silenced by his lips on hers yet again as he pulled her closer.

“No more talk like that,” he said, pressing kisses down her chin and neck. Roxie’s eyes rolled back slightly as shivers ran up and down her body.

“How about no more talk at all?” she asked breathlessly.

“Some talking wouldn’t hurt,” Jin said in between kisses. A soft moan escaped Roxie’s lips. “I do enjoy it when you talk dirty sometimes.”

A throaty chuckle left her lips as she rolled over, now straddling Jin as she stared down at him, pinning his arms on either side of him.

“Is that so?” she asked, rolling her hips against him and causing a moan that had her smiling. Roxie bent down and kissed him deeply. Without warning, Jin rolled them back over so that he was now on top of her.

“Two can play that game,” he said before kissing her and slowly pressing his body against hers.

“Too much clothing,” Roxie breathed he came back for air.

“My thoughts exactly,” he replied sitting up and pulling his shirt off, tossing it to the ground. Roxie bite her bottom lip as she ran her fingers up and down his chest, then wrapped them around his neck, pulling him down towards him again.

A soft sigh left her lips as Jin attacked her neck again and she arched her back against him.

She still didn’t think she deserved to be with him, to move on with her life and be happy. But at least for a few hours tonight, she didn’t have to think about anything more than his lips on hers. His body against hers.

And that she could accept for now. God, she missed this. The way he made her feel. How he made her feel alive, a fire rushing through her veins. She might burn for this later, but it was well worth it for the momentary happiness that it brought.

At least for the next few hours, she could imagine that it was just the two of them and all was right with the world. That they were in a happy relationship, just like everyone else, her demons held at bay. That they were normal. That he wasn’t about to take part in a mission that very well could kill him and leave her utterly broken.

Roxie knew what was coming in the morning – that reality would set in hard and brutally - but with the way Jin was currently running his hands over her body, she decided it was worth whatever price she would have to pay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally much shorter - not sure why. So expanded it a bit more.


	6. Love & Danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> When something goes wrong with the Gispy Danger's tests, life and death seem far closer than either Jin or Roxie want to admit.

**Love & Danger**

Roxie stood watching as cadet after cadet went up against Raleigh, her face a mask of cold indifference. She glanced over, seeing all three triplets glaring at Chuck. Jin had likely informed them of what happened when he snuck back early that morning. She glanced over seeing Mako call out the scores from where she stood next to Pentecost. Sighing, Roxie boredly looked down at her tablet, seeing the updates on the mission as they popped up. She then checked her email, noticing that the triplets’ favorite ice cream had been restocked. She smiled to herself, looking forward to telling them.

“Why don’t we see what she can do?” Roxie heard. She looked up, surprised to see Becket pointing at Mako, who was gazing up at Pentecost hopefully. Roxie resisted the urge to snort. There was no way. Though she was certainly glad that he wasn’t pointing at her.

Of course, then Pentecost would nod, giving Mako the go-ahead. Roxie raised her eyebrows in surprise as she slid her tablet into her back pocket and crossed her arms in front of her, eager to watch. She knew that Mako was good.

Despite her lack of desire to get back in a jaeger, she was proud and happy for Mako. It was obvious through the sparring match with Raleigh that she was the best choice for co-pilot. All that remained to be seen is if Pentecost would allow it. By the tone of his dismissal, it sounded as though he wasn’t. Mako quickly grabbed her things and left with the ranger following. Roxie sighed and started to leave for the control room to check in.

“Do you think he’ll do it?” Hu asked, as she walked by. Roxie shrugged.

“If he knows what’s good, he will. But who knows,” she said. She met Jin’s eyes a moment and then looked away. “I’ve got to get to the control room. We’ll be starting the trial run for Gipsy Danger in a couple hours.”

She stepped aside and kept going, but Jin grabbed her arm, squeezing it. She smiled at him and nodded before continuing on, the memories of the night before running through her mind and causing her to blush slightly.

“They got you working in the control room for the trial run?” Herc asked, falling in step with her. She glanced over at him and nodded.

“Got to make sure my rangers are doing well,” she replied. 

“Who you think he’ll choose?” Herc asked. 

“It’s obvious who he should choose,” she replied. “As for who he will, anybody’s guess.”

“Wouldn’t have minded see you have a go,” Herc said, smiling at her. Roxie shook her head.

“I would have been too riled up to have a decent shot at it,” she replied quickly. Herc chuckled.

“He’s a good bloke,” he said. “Quiet, but decent. Think you’d two would get along.” Roxie nodded.

“So, I hear,” she replied.

“You should talk to him a bit more when you get the chance. Not all of us are arrogant prats,” he said, smiling slightly. Roxie tensed as she caught sight of Chuck heading to the control room in front of them.

“Some days I wonder,” she muttered. 

“What was that?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Roxie said, shaking her head and smiling slightly. While she was still upset with the young ranger, she wasn’t about to say anything to his father. Chuck had even attempted to apologize again that morning, but she had tensely told him not to worry about it or bring it up again.

The two walked into the control room, which was a flurry of activity. She walked over to the main screen and crossed her arms in front of her, frowning slightly as she watched the status updates. They were running a variety of tests to make sure all the systems were up and running. They’d finish up about the time they were ready for the pilots to show up.

Roxie picked up a headset and started calling out instructions and asking questions, quickly getting updated on the test status. She looked down to the catwalk below, noticing the triplets and Kaidonovskys were already there with various members of their crews, watching and chatting together. Glancing out of the corner of her eye, she saw Chuck standing at the back of the room, leaning against the wall. She frowned but then turned her attention back to the screens, watching as all the tests all ran with flying colors. 

“How are we looking, Williams?” Pentecost asked as he stepped up to her side sometime later.

“Everything looks to be in order,” she replied, leaning over Tendo’s shoulder. “Ready for the pilots.”

“Good,” Pentecost said, smiling slightly. Roxie glanced over at him.

“Are you going to tell us who you chose or is it a surprise?” she asked.

“You’ll see,” he replied. Roxie rolled her eyes and looked back at the screens. Soon enough, Herc, Pentecost and Roxie were standing there waiting as the pilots made their way into the head of the jaeger. They flipped on the conn-pod camera as Raleigh walked in. Roxie found herself grinning as she saw Mako enter just after him. She glanced over at Pentecost who seemed to be fighting a smile.

“Good to see you in a suit, Mako,” Roxie said into the microphone. Mako gave her a thumbs up. Roxie turned to look at Pentecost, waiting for him to give the order. She couldn’t help but grin as they set out through the tests.

Everything seemed to be going well. The neural bridge was strong. Roxie leaned forward on the console.

“Things are looking good, you two,” she said. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Pentecost talking to one of the scientists and then leaving quickly. Roxie continued watching until alarms started going off. Roxie stood up, looking out at the massive jaeger just in front of them.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on,” she urged, noting Raleigh and Mako were out of sync.

“I’m fine. I’m back,” Becket said.

“Mako,” Roxie said, looking at the conn-pod video. She was out of it. Chasing the R.A.B.I.T.

“I can get her back,” Raleigh said. “I’m still connected.”

“Mako, love. I need you to come back,” Roxie said, watching with wide eyes. “What do you see, Raleigh?”

“She’s back in the Onibaba attack,” he said. Roxie took a deep breath. This wasn’t good. Not good at all. And here she had been worried about Raleigh and his dark memories.

“Mako!” she shouted. She heard Raleigh desperately trying to get Mako back in sync, trying to talk her out of the memory. Suddenly the jaeger’s arm raised, and the cannon was activated. Roxie felt her blood freeze as she stared straight down the barrel.

“Mako! Get back here!” she shouted, still hearing Raleigh yelling at her friend. They needed to get Mako back before she shot off that cannon and killed them all. Though Roxie knew she should be afraid – terrified, really – she somehow managed to keep calm.

“Someone cut the power!” 

Roxie could hear the room start to empty around her. But her eyes were focused on the cannon trained right on the control room.

“Mako,” she said again, her voice calm. Her eyes went wide as she took a deep breath, focusing on the screens. “Raleigh, get her out of it!”

“Roxie, get out of here!” she heard Herc shout. She ignored it, instead looking over as he and Tendo started working at the power. 

“Someone pull the plug!” Pentecost roared as he ran into the room.

“Just did,” Tendo replied.

“I got her,” she heard Raleigh over the coms as the cannon went dead. 

Roxie threw her headset down and started to walk out of the control room. While the fear had snuck in when the cannon had been aimed at her, she kept her cool. And now she needed to go see after Mako, who was probably going to be kicking herself over that.

“Roxie!” Herc shouted after her.

“I need to go!” she shouted. “Mako needs me.”

“ROXIE WILLIAMS!” Pentecost bellowed. Roxie slid to a stop and turned to face him. “I will handle this.” 

“But-”

“No, buts. _I_ will handle this,” he said striding passed her and out of the room.

“But it’s my job!” she shouted.

“No, it’s mine,” he said, turning to frown at her. “I have this. To your room, officer.” Roxie nodded tightly, fighting off the urge to argue with him.

“Yes, sir,” she said, watching as he turned and continued walking. Roxie sighed, following him out while she rubbed her temples. Everything had started out fine enough. But it was just a reminder at how quickly things could go south.

“Roxie!” Jin shouted, running down the hallway towards her. She looked over at him, grimacing slightly. As soon as he reached her, he grabbed her arms and started looking her over for injuries.

“I’m fine,” she said, trying to push him away, all too aware of the looks they were getting.

“No, you could have died!” he shouted. 

“They had it under control. They got it back,” she said, pushing him aside and starting to walk away. 

“You should have run,” he shouted after her. Roxie glanced over, seeing Chuck and a concerned Herc watching them.

“They needed me to talk them back,” she said, gritting her teeth. “If anyone can understand Mako, it’s me. And it’s my damn job.” Jin reached out and grabbed her arm, spinning her back around to face him.

“Not when it could get you killed,” he said, his face grim.

“Like that’s not what you do every time you go out in a damn jaeger!” she shouted back. She stopped, now feeling all the eyes on them. “I can’t do this now. Not here.” She turned and started striding down the corridor, Jin hot on her heels.

“Still think there’s nothing there?” Chuck asked, glancing at his father. Herc glared at Chuck and then turned to watch them continue.

“It’s none of your damn business,” he said before taking off in the opposite direction. 

~~~

Roxie shoved the door to her room open and Jin slammed it shut behind them.

“We’re going to talk about this,” he said sternly. Roxie turned around to face him.

“Talk about what? Me doing my job?” she shouted. 

“She set off the cannon! It was aimed right at you!” he shouted back.

“I knew what I was doing!” Roxie shouted, faint memories of a similar argument shifting through her mind. “It’s my job!”

“No, it’s not!” Jin shouted back. Roxie stared at him a moment, her green eyes bright with anger. “You cannot do something so reckless!”

Roxie took a step back, the memories starting to overcome her at the mere mention of the word ‘reckless’. She felt like she had been slapped in the face.

“I’m being reckless?” she asked, staring at him. She started breathing heavily as she looked away, blinking her eyes rapidly. 

_“You take risks that we don’t need to take!”_

“I am reckless… oh god…” 

Jin sighed and shook his head.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, taking a step towards her.

“But you did,” she said, turning to face away from him, running her fingers through her hair. Jin stepped up and started running his hands up and down her arms.

“I didn’t mean it. You just scared me,” he said.

“It’s not so nice watching the person you love go out and risk their life,” she said softly. Jin sighed and shook his head.

“It’s different,” he said.

“No, it’s not. You’re a jaeger pilot! Every time you go out there, you could die!” she said, her voice catching. “And then the one time I end up in a bit of danger and you lose your shit. I used to do this once upon a time, you know.” Jin sighed and leaned his forehead against the back of her head, gripping her arms still.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he said softly. “And today, for the first time, I realized I could.” Roxie turned around to face him.

“That’s what I go through… every time,” she said softly, searching his eyes. He nodded silently, reaching up to cup her cheek, his thumb caressing it.

“We’re a mess,” he said, smiling slightly. Roxie smiled and nodded.

“That we are,” she said. “I just… this mission… it’s not the same as the others.”

“I know, but you have to trust me when I say that I’m coming back to you,” Jin said. She nodded.

“I’ll do my best,” she said. Jin suddenly grinned.

“Actually, there is something I want to talk to you about… before the mission,” he said, stepping back. Roxie stared at him, confused. He took a deep breath and dropped down to one knee, reaching into the pocket of his jumpsuit and pulling something out.

“Roxie… you know I love you. More than anything. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Travel. See all the places we’ve talked about. I want to marry you… so would you do me the honor of agreeing to be my wife?” he said, opening the box and holding it up to her, a hopeful look on his face.

Roxie stared down at Jin, her hand flying to her mouth.

“Where did you get this?” she asked softly. He smiled.

“You’re not the only one around here who can get things,” he said. “What do you say?” 

Roxie cautiously reached out, taking the small box from his hand and looking at the ring.

“Are you serious?” she whispered, tears filling her eyes. Her thoughts were warring with each other. Part of her wanted to say yes immediately, but the other part couldn’t answer.

“Are you going to keep answering my questions with more questions?” he asked, rolling his eyes. She stared at him a moment, unable to speak. “Roxie… don’t do this.”

“Do what?” she asked.

“I know you… you’re fighting it. For once, just stop,” he said, his face turning serious.

“I can’t help it,” she gasped. Jin stood, his eyes still locked with Roxie’s.

“Roxie, you deserve this. To be happy. With me,” he said softly. “If you’re going to say no, don’t say it because of that.” Roxie nodded and looked back down at the ring in her hands.

“Oh, Jin…”

~~~

_“Roxie… come on. You have work,” Jin said, gently shaking her sleeping form on the bed. She groaned and rolled over, pulling the covers over her head._

_“Leave me alone,” she moaned._

_“Do you want Pentecost to come wake you?” he asked. Roxie sighed and pulled the comforter off, sitting up. She looked horrible. Dark circles under her eyes, her skin far too pale. Her pajamas were hanging loose on her form. She had been up drinking most of the night. He could smell the whiskey still on her breath. “You need a shower.”_

_“I know,” she grumbled, trying to stand up, but falling back on the bed. Jin sighed and reached down, helping her stand._

_“You’ve got to stop doing this,” he said softly._

_“Let’s see what you do when one of your brothers die,” she mumbled as he led her across the room to the bathroom. He winced slightly._

_“Roxie,” he said softly._

_“Oh, shut it,” she snapped as he leaned her against the wall in the shower stall and flipped on the cold water, not caring that he was about to soak her pajamas or himself. Roxie shrieked as the cold water hit her. “Christ, can’t you put on something warmer!”_

_“No. You need to sober up,” he said sternly, crossing his arms in front of her. She glared at him, her green eyes seeming brighter rimmed in red. Her red curls were now plastered against her head as she glared at him and started shivering. “Don’t look at me like that, Roxie. We both know this is getting out of hand. If you want to stay here, you need to stop this.”_

_“What do you expect me to do? Forget about him? Forget that I killed my brother?” she asked, her teeth chattering._

_“No. I need you to understand that you did not kill him. He died in combat, Roxie. That wasn’t your fault,” he said._

_“It is my fault,” she said, looking away. He stepped over, getting drenched as he grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him._

_“It was not your fault,” he said, locking eyes with her. “You would not be here right now if this was your fault.”_

_“No, I’m here because it was my fault,” she said. Jin suddenly pulled her into his arms, hugging her fiercely. Roxie’s eyes went wide at the sudden contact. Jin had never touched her like that. No one had. Not since before the accident._

_“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered._

_“You’re getting wet,” Roxie replied._

_“I don’t care. You’re not at fault. And you’ve got to pull it together. It’s been months and I know you’re good at what you do. And that you can be better,” he said. Roxie nodded silently._

_“Why do you care?” she asked softly._

_“Because I care about you,” he said. “I don’t want to lose you. Not like this.” Roxie blinked._

_“Lose me?” she murmured._

_“Yes, lose you. I can’t lose you. I need you to come back,” he said._

_“Come back?” she murmured. He stepped back and took her face in his hands._

_“I need you to not give up,” he said. “Do not give up on me.” She blinked back the tears and stared at him a moment before nodding silently._

_“Okay…”_


	7. Love & Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> An unexpected kaiju attack brings what should be the happiness moment in Roxie's life to a grinding halt.

**Love & Loss**

Roxie blinked, feeling the tears falling down her cheeks as she continued to stare at the ring, and then looked back at Jin, his face still hopeful. She sniffled slightly as every memory they had together over the past six years came flooding through her mind at once. Jin was always there. Talking her out of her mood swings. Encouraging her. Pushing her forward. It was in large part because of him that she was able to claw her way out of those dark days.

She loved him. She really did. And she realized that maybe, finally, it was time to take that next step. She still had things to deal with, but this… this felt right.

She silently nodded as she started to smile.

“Yes,” she said softly. “Yes.” Jin grinned as he pulled her to his chest and kissed her.

“I can’t believe you just agreed to marry me,” he said breathlessly. He took the box from her hand and pulled the ring out, sliding it on her finger. It fit perfectly. Roxie then pulled his face down to hers again, deepening the kiss.

“I can’t believe it either,” she said, slightly dazed from the emotional overload she was experiencing in that moment.

“You do want to marry me, don’t you?” he asked, a note of worry in his voice. She nodded fervently. 

“Of course… I just… I never thought…”

“Roxie… just… be happy,” he said. She nodded and grinned at him.

“I think this is a good first step in that direction,” she said, the urge to laugh coming over her. This was… ridiculous. And wonderful. Her head was spinning so fast she was starting to feel a bit lightheaded. That’s what this moment was supposed to feel like, wasn’t it?

She wasn’t sure she would ever get to experience this and here she was. Standing in her room with Jin’s arms around her, staring down at the simple, yet beautiful ring he had just given her.

As always, her thoughts then drifted to Jamie, though rather than pain and darkness, she found herself only wishing that he was here to see this. She could imagine what he would say though.

“Roxie, what is it?” Jin asked. She looked up at him.

“Just… I wish he was here,” she whispered, giving him a watery smile. Jin smiled in relief down at her and kissed her forehead.

“You think he would like me?” he asked, happy that she wasn’t falling into her usual moat of guilt at the thought of her twin.

“He would have loved you. Certainly would have given you hard time – he did see me as his little sister,” she replied, looking back down at the ring. “But eventually you would have gotten along.” She looked back up at him. “We’re really going to do this? You and me?”

Jin nodded as he kissed her softly again.

“Yea, you and me. I’m in for the long haul, Roxanne Williams,” he said, grinning down at her. Roxie rolled her eyes.

“You know how much I hate-“

But he silenced her protest with another kiss and Roxie found herself forgetting what she was about to say.

It didn’t matter.

~~~

Sometime later, the two were lying wrapped in each other’s arms in Roxie’s bed, Roxie staring at the ring on her finger yet again.

“It’s perfect,” she said, looking up at him.

“Does this mean we can quit sneaking around?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Roxie looked back down at her hand, frowning slightly. Jin sighed heavily. “How much longer then? Assuming it wasn’t obvious we’re involved with our public argument...”

“And who’s fault was that?” she asked, glancing up at him, though she didn’t sound angry. At least not like before. Jin just sighed. Roxie sat up, got out of the bed and walked over to her desk. She pulled out a chain from a drawer. Slipping the ring off she put it on the chain and fastened it around her neck. 

“Until after the mission,” she said, walking back over to him. She bent over and kissed him. “Everyone needs to stay focused. No distractions. This is a big distraction.”

“I’ll take what I can get,” he said, smiling. He reached up and touched the ring. “I like you like this.”

“Naked?” Roxie asked, an eyebrow raised and a smirk on her face.

“Wearing my ring,” he replied. Roxie chuckled and slid into bed next to him. She had just settled in when the alarm started ringing. She looked up, her heart stopping. 

“No,” she whispered. It was too soon. Forget the fact that it was interrupting their bubble of bliss – Roxie had been able to forget about the danger lurking just outside in the depths of the ocean for a bit – this was not the plan. There wasn’t supposed to be another attack before they attempted to bomb the breach. Her heart stopped as she remained frozen in bed for a moment.

Jin immediately shot up, deftly grabbing his clothes and pulling them on, his ranger instincts kicking in much faster than Roxie’s. 

“Hurry. They’ll need you in the control room,” he said, looking back at her. Roxie shook her head, starting to get back into the game. She then reached out, grabbing his arm.

“Come back to me,” she said. Jin smiled at her, pressing a firm kiss against her lips.

“I always do,” he said before pulling his jumpsuit on and running out. Roxie looked around the room, frantically grabbing her underwear and a pair of jeans. She yanked them on, before managing to shimmy into a sports bra then grabbed a large jumper, pulling it on as she walked over to her shoes. She stepped into them and then grabbed her tablet before running out of her room and down the hallway. 

She burst into the control room and looked around a moment before running up to Pentecost’s side.

“What’s the update?” she asked, looking at the screen. He glanced down at her and if he wanted to say something about her state of dress, he didn’t. She obviously wasn’t in her uniform like everyone else.

“We’ve got two Category IV kaiju – Otachi and Leatheback,” he said, looking back at the screen. “Sending out Cherno Alpha and Crimson Typhoon. Eureka Striker is to stay back, protect the coastline and only engage if needed.” Roxie nodded as she reached for a headset.

“Pilots in conn-pods?” she asked, pushing aside her panic and settling into work mode.

“Roger, that,” she heard from Cherno Alpha.

“We’re all here. Good to have your voice in my head, Rox,” she heard Hu chime in.

“Shut it, Hu and focus,” she shot back, frowning slightly. “We’ve got two big ones and need you lot to take care of business and get back here in one piece.”

“Don’t worry. We won’t let anything happen to your fiancé,” Cheung added. Roxie’s eyebrows flew up as she heard Jin cursing at his brother in Mandarin. She felt her cheeks heat up as she caught Pentecost looking down at her with a smirk.

“Focus, all of you,” she said through gritted teeth. “Now is not the time.”

“Congrats to the lucky couple!” Sasha called out, causing Roxie to roll her eyes.

“Don’t think I won’t climb in there to smack you,” she said firmly. “Focus.”

“Good! I could use a break!” Hu shouted. “And about time you got back in a jaeger.”

“Wasn’t talking to you!” she shouted. This was getting out of hand. They needed to be focused on the giant alien monsters that were about to attack.

“Anyone care to fill us in?” Herc asked.

“Oh, Jin finally proposed to Roxie after carrying around a ring for-”

“Alright, enough,” Pentecost said firmly. “We need to head out.”

Roxie crossed her arms in front of her, watching as the three jaegers initiated the neural bridges and the helicopters began lifting them up.

“Just like every other time,” Pentecost said softly. Roxie nodded. He wasn’t usually so soft during a mission, but she knew it was for her benefit.

“I know,” she said, glancing over at him. “But I do want my fiancé to come back.” He smiled slightly.

“We’ll bring them all back,” he said assuredly. 

Roxie watched as Cherno Alpha and Crimson Typhoon made their way towards the kaiju. She was tense, chewing on her thumbnail as commands were shouted out as well as realtime locations on the two kaiju. These were the biggest Category IV any of them had ever seen, and she couldn’t help as an uneasiness settled into her bones. She then noticed the triplets were unusually quiet.

“Talk to me Crimson Typhoon,” she said. “You three are quiet.”

“Just assessing the situation, Williams,” Cheung replied.

“Jin?” she said.

“Your fiancé is fine,” Hu said.

“Shut it, Hu. You know I need feedback from all three of you,” she snapped.

“I’m good, Rox,” Jin finally said.

“Cherno Alpha,” Roxie said.

“We’re good,” Sasha said. “Ready to kick some kaiju ass.” Roxie glanced over at Pentecost and nodded. They started through their orders as she remained quiet, beginning to pace as she watched. 

She tried telling herself that it was just another mission. Everything would be fine. But she couldn’t help the fear sinking into her bones as they began engaging. Every hit they took, she winced.

Suddenly, the kaiju slammed into the Crimson Typhoon. Roxie stopped pacing, gripping onto the console. 

“Boys, talk to me!” she shouted.

“We got this!” Cheung shouted, but even Roxie could hear the fear entering his voice. The three shouted at each other as Roxie squeezed the console harder.

“ROXIE! I LOVE-”

Suddenly the broadcast was cut short as Roxie gasped loudly, hearing a sickening crunch of metal. It was though her heart and time had completely stopped. She clutched the ring around her neck as she started shaking, oblivious to whatever was going around her. The only sound that broke through to her were the three flatlines from the Crimson Typhoon. Then Pentecost was shouting something. Something about losing Cherno Alpha. Suddenly the control room was plunged into darkness.

But she was still frozen, Jin’s interrupted ‘I love you’ playing through her mind on a loop.

“Williams! WILLIAMS!” 

She turned her head abruptly, seeing Pentecost looking at her. She wiped her cheeks and glanced around the room, feeling as though she were stuck in some nightmare. Her brain was feeling hazy.

_TRUST ME! I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! GO RIGHT!_

_NO! GO LEFT!_

_FOLLOW MY GODDAMN ORDERS, WILLIAMS!_

She shook her head, trying to silence the shouts in her mind and focus on the room around her, but it was proving too hard. She could hear alarms going off, but she knew they weren’t coming from the control room.

“Gipsy Danger is analogue,” Raleigh shouted, breaking through the haze. 

“Get geared up,” Pentecost said. He then turned to her. “This isn’t over yet. Pull yourself together.” She nodded and turned back to the darkened screens, staring numbly as everyone ran around, searching for and tossing around wireless radios. Someone placed one in her hands. She just stared at it.

“Williams! Get in gear!”

That was all she needed to regain her focus. She changed it to the right channel and looked up at Pentecost, noticing that Raleigh and Mako had already left the room. Herc and Chuck were still out there as well, stranded on a dead jaeger. She couldn’t let anyone else die.

“Let’s go.”

~~~

Roxie stood as the rain poured down on her, not hearing Pentecost give out orders or hearing anything coming over the radio in her hand now that the mission was completed. Once they had finished off the kaiju, the relief was short-lived as numbness began to set back in. She knew Mako and Raleigh were okay, but there was still a void inside her where her heart used to be as she looked out over the ocean where the recovery crews were already at work looking for the wreckage. It was likely all under the sea at this point. Maybe they’d be able to bring back the bodies. If they could find them.

She turned and started walking back inside with everyone else to wait for Mako to return, already soaked to the bone and shivering slightly. But she couldn’t help but feel like she was breaking into a million pieces.

Once inside, Roxie stood still, watching as the entire room cheered as Raleigh and Mako made their way back in. While part of her was relieved to see Mako alive, the larger part of her began to ache as she could barely control her tears.

She then took a deep breath and waited on the edge until most of the folks had cleared out and the clock was restarted, a sort of quiet falling over everyone as Pentecost reminded them that while they lost two crews, there was work that needed to be done. She then made her way over to Mako. For a moment, she just stared at her before launching into a bone-crushing hug. Tears filled her eyes as she glanced over Mako’s shoulder and met Raleigh’s eyes. 

“Don’t you ever die on me, Mako. You’re all I have left,” she whispered before stepping back and meeting her eyes. Mako nodded silently. Roxie then looked over at Raleigh. “Please… take care of her.” He nodded. She then took a deep breath and quickly moved away. 

“She’s not as strong as she looks,” Mako said, looking at him. Raleigh looked at her, confused.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“It’s why she won’t step into a jaeger again. She has a hard enough time with her own memories… she doesn’t want to burden anyone with that. And she doesn’t think she can handle others,” Mako said. Raleigh looked down at the floor.

“I can understand that,” he said. “And… I already know her story.” Mako nodded.

“Jin… he was the reason she pulled herself together,” she said. Raleigh nodded, remembering the news of the engagement just as the teams were setting out. “She was a wreck when she lost her brother… I don’t know how she’s going to handle this.”

She looked off in the direction of where Roxie had disappeared. 

“I hope she pulls through…”


	8. Despair & Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> Roxie isn't sure if she can survive losing someone else yet again, but Mako discovers something that could change everything.

**Despair & Hope**

Roxie took a deep breath and wiped the tears falling down her cheeks. She stood on a catwalk, looking out over the two remaining jaegers, watching as the crews worked furiously to repair them and get them into working order. She had known all along what the plan was. And knew that there was a chance of losses. But she hadn’t expected to lose two teams in one go. More than that, she hadn’t thought that she would lose Jin. A deep ache filled her, so familiar and yet so different. She closed her eyes as the tears continued to fall, struggling to regain control of herself. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Instead, she found herself beginning to sob softly. 

“You don’t always have to be so strong,” Pentecost said, stepping up behind her. Roxie turned and stood at attention. “At ease.” 

“Silly, really. Not the first time we’ve lost pilots,” she said, leaning against the railing, her voice shaking. “Not the first time I’ve lost a pilot.”

“But Jin wasn’t just another pilot - just like Jamie wasn’t,” he said softly, leaning against the railing next to her. Roxie took a deep, shaky breath.

“Why him?” she asked softly. “First Jamie and then Jin. And there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do...”

“You have to stop blaming yourself, Roxie,” he said. “Jamie wasn’t your fault. And this most certainly wasn’t your fault either.”

Roxie took a deep, shuddery breath and nodded.

“Is there… no chance that maybe… he could have… any of them?” she asked, glancing over at him.

“We’re looking through the wreckage to recover the… I don’t think there’s any way they could have survived,” he said bluntly, knowing there was no way to sugarcoat the truth. Roxie nodded, appreciating that he at least gave her the truth as it was and not some sort of empty platitude.

Then again, that was never Pentecost’s style. And one of the reasons they had had always worked so well together. He gave it to her as it was and that went much farther than anything else. 

“If it’s alright, I think I’ll be in my room until we’re ready to launch again. Call if you need me in the meantime,” she said, wiping her cheeks. She didn’t wait for him to dismiss her, instead turning and nearly running to her room. She dropped onto her bed and began wailing into her pillow, trying to muffle the sound. She cried until she felt there were no more tears left inside her and then still more tears fell. After what felt like forever, she rolled over onto her side, her eyes falling on the bottle of expensive whiskey on the top shelf of her bookcase. The one Jin asked her to get and then hide from his brothers, as they would break into it immediately. It was supposed to be to celebrate the mission once it was over. It almost seemed stupid now. The whole thing.

Jin wouldn’t be coming back.

Roxie pulled herself off her bed and walked over to the shelf, pulling the bottle off. She opened it and took a long swig.

“This for you,” she said softly, looking up at the ceiling. “Wherever you are, you bloody bastards.” She took another drink and then walked over, sitting on the edge of her bed.

They were looking through the wreckage. If they found anything, she knew that she would have to see it. It would kill her and break her down into a million of pieces all over again, but she owed it to Jin. And it wasn’t like it was the first time she had done that very thing.

Closing her eyes, Roxie couldn’t help as the memory overwhelmed her.

~~~

_“Roxie, you don’t have to do this,” Herc said. She brushed his hand off her shoulder, staring at the slab with a sheet-covered body on it._

_“I need to do this,” she said softly, stepping forward. She reached out and pulled the sheet down, revealing Jamie’s face. She froze as she stood and stared at him. His face was littered in cuts, but just underneath them, she could still see the youthful face she had grown up with. She dropped the sheet, not sure if she could handle seeing the full extent of his injuries._

_“He always was so handsome,” she murmured, sniffling. She reached out and touched his hair. “He was older… by two minutes. But he, he wouldn’t let me forget it.”_

_“Roxie…”_

_“He got that scar when we were 10. Trying to teach me how to play cricket,” she said, gently touching a faded mark above his eyebrow. She then brushed over a faint mark on his nose. “And then… that one… we got into a fight over ice cream. He took the last chocolate. So I punched him.” She stood silent a few moments. “He shouldn’t be the one lying here.”_

_“There was nothing you could do. The escape pod was damaged,” Herc said._

_“It’s my fault it was damaged in the first place. If I had just… listened to him. Followed orders,” she said, starting to sob. “He was trying to tell me that I… that I was too reckless. And he was right.”_

_“None of this was your fault,” Herc said, stepping up to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She spun around, her eyes wild as the tears fell down her cheeks._

_“But it was my fault!” she shouted, her voice echoing off the walls of the morgue. “It. Was. My. Fault.” She then pushed passed him and strode out of the room._

_“Roxie!”_

~~~

Mako had made her way to the control room, hoping to find Roxie there. When she didn’t, it was with a sinking feeling in her stomach that she realized Roxie must be holed up in her room. She only hoped that she didn’t have a large supply of whiskey in there or else they wouldn’t see her for days, if Pentecost allowed. One look at his face when she and Raleigh had returned, told her that he was planning to leave her in peace for now, at least. Eventually she would have to come back. There was still too much to do. They still had the mission.

Even Mako couldn’t fully relish the victory, seeing the look of anguish on her friend’s face, the urgency in her voice when she told her not to die on her. She walked over and casually started watching as the crews worked through the recovery mission. At least they had managed to get electricity back to the shutterdome. She was in a daze, almost not registering when a shout arose. 

Mako looked up, seeing a flurry of activity on one of the displays.

“We’ve found a survivor!” came over the com. Mako stepped over to the screens, looking on. “From the Crimson Typhoon!” 

“Who is it?” she asked.

“We can’t tell,” one of the techs replied. Mako’s heart began pounding.

“But it’s one of the triplets…” she asked urgently.

“Well yes, somehow one of the escape pods managed to get out. We didn’t catch it until now because of the power outage,” the tech said. “They are bringing him in now.” Mako nodded. She looked towards the door, wanting to go get Roxie, but at the same time not wanting to get her hopes up. It could be any of them. So instead she made her way towards where they would be bringing him in and waited. When they rushed in with a still form on a gurney, she fell in step with them as they rushed to the medical bay, attempting to figure out which triplet was there.

She hoped with all her heart that it was Jin, for Roxie’s sake.

“Who is it?” she asked, following the medics. 

“They’re identical. We won’t know until he wakes up and tells us,” one shouted.

“No. There’s, is he wearing dog tags?” she shouted, frustrated that they wouldn’t think to check. The medic reached down and pulled the jumpsuit open, revealing the metal dog tags. They flipped them over as Mako’s eyes widened. She stopped running alongside them and immediately turned, flying down the hallway.

She was a woman on a mission, nearly ploughing over Raleigh when she turned a corner.

“What’s going on?” he asked, grabbing her and holding her steady.

“Let me go. I need to get to Roxie,” she said, pushing him away. 

“What is it, Mako?!” he shouted. She stopped and turned to him, her eyes wide and a smile on her face.

“It’s Jin… he survived.”


	9. Miracles Do Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> Jin miraculously survived, but now they have to face the biggest mission they've ever attempted.

**Miracles Do Happen**

Roxie was sitting on her bed, lulled slightly by the music she put on. It was the playlist that Jin had always turned on when he came over. She rubbed the ring around her neck. If she had known that night would be their last, there’s so much more she would have said. She looked down at it. It was simple, but perfect. She reached around her neck, undoing the chain. She slid the ring off and placed it on her left hand, staring at it as she reached for the bottle and taking another drink. Suppose it didn’t matter if she wore it now. The secret was out. She silently swore to Jin wherever he was that she’d never take it off.

Suddenly, her door flew open and Mako and Raleigh careened into her room.

“What are you doing here?” she said dully before taking another drink. Didn't they know that she wanted to be left alone to grieve in peace?

“Roxie, you have to come with me,” Mako nearly shouted.

“Why?” Roxie asked. “I didn’t think we were starting with the next phase for several more hours.” Raleigh took in her bloodshot eyes and puffy face as she took another drink, the ring glittering on her finger. 

“Roxie, they found a survivor,” Mako said, running over and yanking the bottle from her hand, placing it on her desk.

“What do you mean?” she asked, not yet catching on to what she was saying.

“Jin survived,” Raleigh said. Roxie’s eyes flew over to him.

“He, what? How?” she asked, jumping to her feet.

“I don’t know, but you have to come with us,” Mako said, dragging her out of the room. Roxie started jogging down the hallway, heading for the medical bay. All she could think about was Jin. Workers and techs jumped out of the way, running into walls as the three sprinted passed. Roxie looked like a mad woman with her red hair flying around her, green eyes bright.

“Where is he?” she shouted as they ran in. She looked around frantically, meeting Pentecost’s eyes. “Where is he?”

The Marshal walked over and took her hand, leading her over to a window. Looking through, Roxie watched as dozens of doctors worked frantically. She gasped, taking in his broken body.

“How?” she asked as she grasped onto him.

“He was in one of the escape pods,” he said. Roxie laughed softly, tears filling her eyes.

“Bloody triplets,” she said. “How much you want to bet Cheung and Hu forced him in it, kicking and screaming the whole time.” Pentecost nodded silently. “Will he… will he make it?” He looked down at her.

“They think so. He’s banged up, but they don’t see why he won’t. He’ll probably wake up in a couple hours or so. Once they’re finished patching him up,” he said softly.

“Will they let me in there… when they’re done? I want to be there when he wakes up,” she said, still watching the doctors.

“Yea, I think they will,” he said. Roxie nodded, holding her hand to her chest as she played with the ring.

“So… when he did get around to asking?” Pentecost said. Roxie looked up at him.

“You knew he was going to?” she asked.

“Who do you think helped him get the ring?” he replied with a smirk. Roxie laughed as more tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Just before they detected the kaiju,” she said softly. 

“Well, better get in there,” Pentecost said softly. “He’ll want to wake up to you.” She nodded as she walked through the doors as the medics finished up. Someone brought her a chair and she pulled it close to the bedside, taking in the monitors and bandages. She reached out and took his hand.

“Hold in there, Jin,” she said softly. He had been there for her so many times before and now it was her turn to be there for him. He was going to need her. Someone who understood the loss that he would wake up to.

Though part of her thought that he would handle it better than she had. He was frustratingly optimistic. And unwaveringly strong. Looking back, she suddenly realized that this was all in the making for a long time.

She closed her eyes as she gripped his hand.

~~~

_Roxie sighed as she sat on the edge of the runway, looking out over the ocean. The sun was setting. A single tear fell down her cheek. It was the one day of the year she allowed herself to intentionally think about Jamie. Granted he was never far from her thoughts whether she wanted him there or not._

_“Thought I’d find you here,” she heard Jin say. She looked over her shoulder, watching as he walked toward her, hands in the pockets of his jumpsuit. She smiled slightly and looked back at the ocean, taking a drink of her soda. He plopped down next to her. “How are you doing?”_

_“I’m fine,” she said. Jin sighed._

_“How long have we been friends, Rox?” he asked._

_“Three years,” she replied._

_“I know when you’re faking it,” he said. She snorted slightly._

_“Then you should know what day it is,” she said, glancing at him._

_“I do,” he said. “Why do you think I’m out here with you?”_

_“You should also know that I prefer to be alone,” she said. She could feel him staring at her. She sighed and looked over at him. “It’s soda. I’ve been good the last two years. I’m not about to muck it up.”_

_“I know,” Jin said softly. “I trust you. You’ve come a long way.” Roxie nodded and looked back at the ocean. She smiled slightly._

_“We’d go to the beach in Brighton when we were younger,” she said. “Looked forward to it every year. ‘Course then Jamie’d try and dunk me under the waves every chance he got.”_

_“I can understand obnoxious siblings,” Jin said, laughing softly._

_“He was obnoxious. Tends to happen when you’re always together. As you know,” she said, glancing at him._

_“You only had one. Imagine two,” he said, rolling his eyes slightly. Roxie chuckled. But just as suddenly she stopped, the tears filled her eyes. She sighed as she wiped at her cheeks._

_“I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him,” she said softly. “It’s like part of me is gone…”_

_Jin looked over at her, reaching over and taking her hand in his. Roxie stared at their hands a moment, watching as he slowly intertwined his fingers with hers. She felt a tingle of something shoot up her arm as he caressed her hand with his thumb._

_“I don’t know if it’ll go away. But it’ll get better,” he said. “And I’m here for you. Always.”_

_“Why are you so good to me?” Roxie asked bluntly. Jin chuckled._

_“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked. Roxie’s eyebrows rose as she looked up at him, meeting his eyes. Her breath hitched slightly as she felt her heart start to race. “I like having you around.”_

_“Don’t tell the others, but I rather like having you around as well,” she said, starting to relax slightly._

_“I knew I was your favorite,” he said. Roxie rolled her eyes as she shook her head._

_“Cheeky git,” she muttered. “Last thing I need is for your head to get bigger.”_

_“I do not have a big head,” he scoffed, leaning closer to her._

_“You most certainly do. Surprised you fit into your helmet,” she said, her eyes dancing._

_“I like to think I’m the most handsome of us,” he said._

_“Seriously, Jin!” Roxie said, now full on laughing. “You do realize you three are identical, don’t you?”_

_“Now, this is how I like you,” he said._

_“Like what?” she asked, confused. “Taking the mickey out of you?”_

_“Smiling, laughing,” he said. Roxie felt her cheeks starting to heat up as she quickly looked away. She caught a hint of something in his eyes. Something she had seen before but was afraid to address. The two had such a good friendship and it was something that she really needed; she didn’t want to ruin it with false hope that this was something more._

_“Look at me, Roxie,” he said softly._

_“Why?” she asked, her eyes fixed on the water._

_“Just look at me,” he said. She slowly lifted her head and looked over at him, finding his face closer to her. She held her breath as he leaned in._

_“What are you doing, Jin?” she whispered, her heart pounding._

_“Something I’ve been wanting to do for a while,” he said. Part of her thought she should back away. They were friends. And she was the pilot liaison. It was improper. But she found that she couldn’t. She wanted this as much as he did._

_His lips brushed against her lightly, sending shivers throughout her body. She looked up at him, her eyes wide._

_“What does this mean?” Roxie asked._

_“It means whatever you want it to,” Jin said. She nodded, still not taking her eyes from his._

_“I don’t know what I want,” she whispered._

_“Take all the time you need to figure it out. I’m not going anywhere,” he said. Roxie smiled. She sighed and leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder._

_The two sat in silence, watching the water, and Roxie didn’t want the moment to end._

~~~

Roxie stirred slightly, coming out of a light sleep. She wasn’t particularly comfortable, half lying on the bed. She sat up slightly and looked over at Jin, noticing that he was calmly staring at her despite the cuts and bruises littering his face. Despite the obvious pain he must be in. She smiled and stood.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” she asked gently, sitting on the bed next to him. “How long has it been?”

“I haven’t been awake long. You looked peaceful. I didn’t want to bother you,” he replied. He reached up and touched her cheek, taking in her still puffy eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Roxie asked, frowning.

“You thought I died,” he said.

“But you survived,” she said softly. He nodded, his face suddenly looking downcast.

“Cheung, Hu,” he said softly. Roxie took his hand, squeezing it.

“You were there for me after Jamie… think it’s my turn to repay the favor,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.” He nodded.

“Where are the others?” he asked.

“Likely preparing for the mission if they haven’t started yet,” she said, wondering how long she had been asleep. She was still a bit groggy.

“Why are you here then?” he asked.

“You need me more,” she said, leaning towards him. She thought it was obvious. “I wanted to be here when you woke up.”

“Rox, I’m fine. I’m not dying. You should be in the control room. They need you,” he said. Roxie shook her head.

“You need me more,” she said again. Jin smiled slightly. He nodded towards the door.

“Go, Rox. Besides I need you to tell me how it goes,” he said. She shook her head.

“I don’t want to leave you,” she said. They could run the mission without her. She didn’t want Jin to be alone right now.

“Roxie, we have the rest of our lives to spend together. Go. Mako and the others need you to get them through this mission. I’m not going anywhere,” he said. She nodded and stood, leaning over to kiss him.

“I’ll be back when it’s over,” she said, smiling at him.

“Go bring them home,” he said. Roxie nodded and stepped back then walked out of the room. 

He was right. She had a job to do. But as soon as it was over, she would go back to him and then she would never leave his side again.


	10. Finally Facing the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> It's finally time to carry out Pentecost's last big mission. The one to end the war.

**Finally Facing the Past**

“Roxie, what are you doing here?” Herc asked, his eyes wide as she strode into the control room. 

“You need me,” she said, walking over and putting on a headset, then focusing on the many screens and displays, calmly taking in all the status updates of the two remaining jaegers. She didn’t seen Pentecost there, but assumed the Marshal would be there soon. Though she was curious about who was helping pilot Eureka if Herc was in the control room, his arm in a sling.

“What about Jin?” he asked.

“He’s awake. He’ll be fine… thank god,” she said. “What’s going on? Who’s in Striker if you’re here?”

“Chuck and Pentecost are manning Eureka Striker. They’re going down with Gipsy Danger to drop the bomb in the breach,” he said. Roxie looked at him, eyes wide. Pentecost was going in Striker? But… that couldn’t be right.

“It’ll kill him,” she stated. She knew that the Marshall hadn’t made his condition well known, but she and a few others knew about it. Knew that he couldn’t be in another jaeger unless he had a death wish. Herc swallowed.

“He knows,” he said.

Roxie looked at the screens, her heart racing as the familiar guilt came rushing through her. She should be the conn-pod with Chuck, not Pentecost. She was younger and could handle it. Granted, just the thought of getting back into a jaeger set her nerves flaring. Sure she could do it, but what would that do to the mission? To Chuck?

But still, she was having a difficult time swallowing the fact that Pentecost was sacrificing himself.

“I should… but Chuck…”

While their relationship had been rocky to say the least, she didn’t want the younger pilot to die. And she wasn’t sure just how long this mission would take. Would Pentecost be able to hold out until they got back to shore?

“Goddamnit!” she shouted suddenly. “I should be the one in the conn-pod!”

She felt Herc squeeze her shoulder and she looked over at him, seeing the strained expression on his face.

“It’ll work, Rox,” he said. “But we need to be focused. There are two kaiju down there hovering. Bigger than all the others. They’re going to need us to get them back.”

Roxie nodded as she looked back at the screens, taking a slow, deep breath as she fought to regain control of herself. If Herc wasn’t going to let the insurmountable odds get to him, then she wasn’t either.

“I thought there were supposed to be three,” she said, frowning.

“For once, I’m glad to be wrong,” he said.

“Gipsy Danger, Eureka Striker, I need to hear those voices of yours,” she said into the mic, looking at the conn-pod feeds.

“Roxie? What are you doing in the control room?” Pentecost said, his voice concerned. “You should be in the hospital bay.”

“Jin’s awake. Now I’ve got to look after you lot,” she replied matter-of-factly. She swore she saw a faint smile on his face in the video feed.

“How is he?” Mako asked.

“He’s gonna live,” she said, smiling slightly. “So, you best get this over with and get back. I’m going to need you as my maid of honor.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Mako replied.

Roxie went silent as she watched their progress towards the breach, her jaw clenched and arms crossed tightly in front of her. Someone handed her a mug of steaming coffee, which she took without taking her eyes off the screens. She cautiously sipped at it while listening to the pilots’ chatter. They hadn’t reached the breach or kaiju yet and every second caused her nerves to flare up more. She closed her eyes, momentarily going back in time.

While she knew this was the absolute worst time to be stuck in her memories, she couldn’t help it.

_~~~_

_“You nervous, kid?” Jamie asked. Roxie shook her head and grabbed her helmet._

_“Not a kid and not nervous,” she snapped. She started out of the room towards where they would load into the conn-pod, but Jamie grabbed her and spun her around._

_“We got this, Rox,” he said seriously. “We’ve done this before.”_

_She studied him a moment. She was still worked up from their argument. Still angry that he hadn’t stood up for her in front of the others._

_“Are you still angry about earlier?” he asked. She shook her head._

_“It’s nothing,” she said, turning to leave before grumbling something about him needing to ask. She had to get her head straight. She was about to drift with her twin. He was going to be in her head. Granted he always seemed to know what she was thinking even without it. Twin thing, she told herself._

_“I’m going to know what’s going on in a few minutes, so you best get it out now,” he said. Roxie sighed and turned around._

_“Spare me the afternoon special, Jamie. Let’s just get this over with,” she said._

_“Can you handle it?” he asked seriously._

_“Of course, I can bloody handle it. I always do,” she snapped. “Just do whatever you can to not get killed.”_

_“I won’t get killed. You’ll be in there with me, after all. And I know you won’t let me get killed,” he said, smiling slightly. Roxie huffed._

_“Are you ever going to take this seriously?” she asked._

_“I take it seriously every single time we get out there,” he said, his mood changing slightly. “I’m not going to let you get killed so long as you don’t let me get killed.” She stared at him a moment and then nodded._

_“Let’s go,” she said, turning and walking out of the room. She pulled on her helmet and stepped into the conn-pod, getting situated. Next to her, Jamie was busy doing the same. Once they entered the drift and started out with the other jaegers, Roxie had mostly calmed down, falling into her usual battle mode. She was laser-focused as they engaged._

_“Just another mission,” she thought over and over again. Jamie kept glancing over at her as they shouted instructions back and forth. Herc chiming in here and there._

_“Rox, Jamie! Watch it!” Herc shouted. They both looked over, just in time to see the kaiju lunging towards them._

_“To the left!” Jamie shouted, but Roxie quickly studied the situation and shook her head._

_“We need to go right!” she shouted. Jamie stared over at her, hesitating. “GO RIGHT!”_

_“WOULD YOU TWO LISTEN TO GODDAMN ORDERS! MOVE!” Herc shouted._

_The jaeger came to a halt as the kaiju slammed into them. Roxie grimaced as sparks flew. They didn’t go down, but from the way Jamie was shouting and a quick look at the screens told her that their right arm was out of commission._

_“We’re hit,” Jamie shouted. She looked around the conn-pod, trying to take in the damage as quickly as she could. She knew it was her fault. She caused Jamie to hesitate and they had taken a harder hit than they should have. If they had moved - left or right - the kaiju would have just missed them and they wouldn’t be in this situation._

_“Are you still functional?” Herc asked. Roxie was already running diagnostics when Jamie took over._

_“Weapons systems are down,” he shouted. He looked over at Roxie. “You good, Rox?” She nodded and focused on what they could do._

_“We can still do this,” she called out. “We can still take it down.”_

_“You’ve taken on too much damage,” she heard their tech, Marissa, shout._

_“We can do this, just trust me. I’ve got a plan,” Roxie said, the two moving around to face the kaiju again. It was risky, but they could pull it off if they moved quickly. “I know you can see it in my head, Jamie. We can do this.”_

_“I’ll not sacrifice pilots!” Herc shouted. The kaiju was turning around to charge at them again. “Get out of there! One more hit and you’re goners!”_

_“We can handle this!” Roxie shouted, looking over at Jamie. He was busy going through various screens. He looked over at her._

_“We need to bail, Rox,” he said. “Now. Before that thing takes us down.”_

_“No, we can still fight,” Roxie shouted, stumbling slightly._

_“No, we can’t,” Jamie shouted back. Roxie locked eyes with him._

_“Come on!”_

_“Roxie! We’ve got to get out of here!” Jamie shouted. “We’ve taken too much damage!” She stared at him a moment before responding._

_“I’ll go when you go!” she shouted._

_“No! Ladies’ first!” he shouted back, grinning slightly._

_“You git! And let you take all the glory, I don’t think so,” she replied._

_“I’m serious, Rox,” he said, the grin started to fade. He quickly pressed a few buttons and Roxie found herself being forced into the escape pod._

_“JAMIE, YOU PRAT!” she shouted._

_“Rox… I love you. Always remember that.”_

_“YOU CAN TELL ME ON THE GROUND!”_

_“Don’t give up!”_

_“JAMIE!”_

_~~~_

“What the hell are you doing here?” Herc roared. Roxie shook the memory away and turned around, seeing Jin hobbling into the control room on crutches. She rushed over to him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she said, frowning. Who the hell had let him out of the medical bay? He smiled slightly and shook his head.

“I wanted to see this,” he said.

“You’re injured!” she shouted. “And after what you just went through…”

“I’m fine, Rox,” he said. “I’m fine. I need to see this.” She looked over at Herc who nodded slightly.

“Someone get him a chair!” she shouted before turning and running back over to the screens. The two jaegers were getting closer to the breach. Roxie gripped the console as she leaned forward, watching intently. Suddenly there was another ruckus as the two scientists ran into the room, shouting out that the plan wouldn’t work.

Roxie sighed and spun around, glaring at them.

“What the fuck?! We’re in the middle of something!” she shouted.

“It won’t work! There is some sort of reader… it reads their DNA and opens the breach to them. Without it, it won’t open!”

Roxie spun back around to the screens.

“We should abort,” she said, taking in all the data. “If they can’t get the bomb through the breach, we need to bring them back and now. I’m not losing anymore pilots today.”

“No, we can still do this. We just need to take one down with us to open the breach,” someone shouted. Roxie started breathing heavily, gripping the consoles again.

“That’s a gutsy call,” she said. “Bit reckless, don’t you think?”

“Fairly sure I know someone who would have eagerly made that call not long ago,” Herc said. She turned and glared at him.

“Yes. I’ve made that call and it got my brother killed,” she spat.

“This will end it, Williams. We’re going forward with the plan. Aborting it is not your call to make,” Pentecost shouted through the comms. Roxie turned to look at the screens, blinking back hot tears as she swallowed.

“Fine,” she said, though she still thought it was needlessly dangerous. Jin had moved to her side and reached out, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. She glanced over at him, frowning slightly.

“It’ll be fine, Rox,” he said. She nodded and looked back up at the screens watching as the jaegers reached the breach and engaged. Every hit had her flinching as she squeezed Jin’s hand harder.

She watched in silence as the pilots yelled instructions back and forth at each other and with Herc. She had seen so many battles, talked so many pilots through it. Dealt with the aftermath. She had worked with Pentecost for so many years, she knew what he was going to do before he even said anything after the third kaiju had appeared. As soon as they determined that they wouldn’t be able to launch the nuke.

Tears sprung in her eyes as she covered her mouth and started shaking her head. Jin pulled himself up from his chair and wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Roxie?” he whispered.

“No,” she murmured. “I know what he’s going to do.”

“We’re going to detonate,” Pentecost said, confirming her suspicions. Roxie looked back at Herc, noting the sheen of tears in his eyes. They locked eyes for a moment and he smiled slightly at her. “Let’s clear the way for the Lady.” Roxie spun back around to the screens, holding onto Jin as tears started streaking down her cheeks.

She closed her eyes as the nuke went off, breathing slowly. She flinched slightly, all the memories from the past 11 years flying through her mind. While she and Chuck had a rocky reunion, she knew he was a good pilot and ultimately a good person underneath all the arrogance. He knew what he was getting into when he joined the corps - they all did - but she couldn’t help but get stuck on the image of him as a lanky, annoying teenager.

And then there was Pentecost.

He had done so much for her and she was grateful for it. He had, in his way, helped save her from herself along with Jin. And she hadn’t told him enough how grateful she was. Now she never would.

_~~~_

_“I can’t go back,” Roxie said, staring at Pentecost. Her bag was half-packed on her cot, clothes strewn about. Her face was puffy and her eyes were rimmed in red._

_“Roxie, you are one of our best-”_

_“No, I’m not. You saw the reports, Pentecost. I killed my co-pilot. My, my twin! I’m doing you a favor by leaving,” she shouted. Pentecost just stared at her, his face betraying nothing._

_“We still need you,” he said._

_“No, you don’t. You don’t need someone reckless like me. I’ll never step foot in another jaeger,” she said. “Whoever gets in there with me is at risk.”_

_“There are other things you can do,” he said, looking over and seeing the half empty bottle of whiskey on her desk. Roxie followed his view and quickly stepped over and grabbed the bottle, throwing it in her bag._

_“I can’t stay here,” she said, wrapping her arms around her. “It’s… everywhere I look, I see him. I can’t stay.”_

_“Where will you go, Williams?” Pentecost asked._

_“I don’t know… home?” she said, nearly breaking down again, not wanting to admit that going back to London would be just as painful. “Maybe somewhere else. I’ll figure it out. I always do.”_

_“I have a position at Hong Kong that needs filled… pilot liaison,” he said. “You would be perfect.” She looked over at him._

_“You want to put me in charge of pilots?” she asked. “After I just-”_

_“You would be in charge of training cadets. Taking care of pilots. Making sure they have everything they need. Overseeing physical therapy when they are injured or just, listening if they need to talk,” he said. Roxie laughed haggardly._

_“What makes you think I’d be good for that,” she asked. “I’m a wreck. I can barely keep myself together. I can’t be in charge of keeping others together.”_

_“But you’ll get there,” he said, stepping towards her. “I know you, Williams. You’re strong. You have good instincts. You can do this.” She just stared at him. “I know what he told you.”_

_“Don’t give up,” she whispered._

_“So, don’t give up, Williams,” he said. “Come to Hong Kong. Start over. Stay with the defense corps. Help others.” She looked at him and then shook her head, covering her mouth with her hand._

_“I don’t know if I can do this,” she said softly. “My whole life, it was the two of us. And now it’s just me. For the first time in my life… I’m alone. I don’t know what to do with myself...”_

_“You can do this,” he said. “You can.” Roxie walked over to her bag and started throwing clothes in._

_“Can I think about it?” she asked. Pentecost nodded._

_“I’ll give you a day or two, but I need to know soon,” he said._

_“I’ll give you an answer by tonight,” she said, not looking at him. Pentecost nodded._

_“I’ll leave you then,” he said quietly before leaving. He had made it halfway down the hall before he heard footsteps hurrying after him._

_“I’ll do it,” Roxie said. He smiled slightly to himself, but quickly cleared his face before turning to face her. Roxie stood there, her face serious with a spark in her eye. “I’ll do. For Jamie.”_

_“Good,” he replied._


	11. Finding Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting: During Operation Pitfall  
> Rating: M (Language, some mature situations, mention of grief & death)
> 
> With everything said and done, it's time to go home.

** Finding Peace **

“Talk to me Raleigh. Mako,” Roxie said, her eyes still closed.

“Still here. Heading towards the breach,” Raleigh replied. She opened her eyes and focused on the screens. They had just lost two rangers – she was determined that they weren’t about to lose two more. 

She looked over at the screens and quickly assessed the situation, before returning her eyes to the conn-pod video. Both Raleigh and Mako were in one piece, though there were several system errors. The Gipsy Danger had taken on severe damage, but thankfully the escape pods were still intact. They would be able to get out.

“Do what you need to do and then get the hell out of there,” Roxie ordered. 

“Thought I was leading this mission,” Herc said from next to her. She glanced at him and then back to the screens. 

“I’m not losing anyone else,” she said.

“We won’t,” Herc replied. She felt Jin grasp her shoulder, massaging it slightly as he stood next to her. 

“They know what they’re doing,” he said softly. Roxie nodded, but didn’t answer, her jaw clenched as she continued to watch. The jaeger dropped into the breach and the whole room held their collective breaths as they watched them.

“We’re through!” Raleigh shouted. Roxie closed her eyes for a moment, silently thanking whoever might be out there watching over them for that much. “Mako is out!”

Her eyes flew open as she looked over and saw Raleigh unhooking himself and going over to her.

“I’m going to send her up. I can take care of it from here,” he shouted. 

“Just… hurry,” Roxie said.

“Don’t worry, Williams. I can do this,” he replied.

Roxie was torn - she kept whipping her head back and forth between the screen with Mako’s vitals and those listing all the damage that the jaeger had sustained. Raleigh got her escape pod out, allowing a slight bit of relief for her. But now was the moment of truth. 

“I’m nearly done,” Raleigh shouted.

“Hurry up and get out!” Roxie couldn’t help but shout. 

“Roxie,” Jin said. She ignored him as she leaned forward, gripping the edge of the console. All she heard was the pumping of her heart as she watched.

“I won’t lose another one. I won’t lose another one,” she chanted over and over softly. “I won’t lose another one…”

~~~

Roxie stood in front of a long line of photos on a wall. It was in a corridor that led to the staging area, but it was one that Roxie rarely used. She didn’t want to see the faces of all the pilots who had died in the line duty. Namely, she didn’t want to see the portrait of her brother. But there she stood, gazing up at the familiar grin. The familiar twinkle in his eyes. They both had the same dimple in their right cheek.

For some reason, she felt like she needed to be here right now. She would join the celebration later, if she felt up to it. Part of her wanted to celebrate quietly in her room with Jin, who had moved in there quickly, unable to be in his own that held too many memories of his brothers. However, she also knew that Mako and Raleigh would want to see her there, so planned to go for a bit once she finished up here. 

Her eyes fell on the gold plaque underneath the portrait that read _James Williams._ She chuckled slightly, knowing how much he hated to be called James. Just as much as she hated her full name – Roxanne.

“Hiya, Jamie,” she said softly, looking back up at his face. “Been a long time, I know… hope you can understand.” She slowly sat down on the floor, setting the bottle and two glasses on the ground next to her as she crossed her legs. She then poured the whiskey and set one glass on the floor in front of her. 

“Got your favorite,” she said, holding her glass up to the portrait. She then took a drink, savoring the flavor for a moment before swallowing. “It’s done… we bombed the breach. And it worked. There’s no more need for jaegers or rangers, I should think. Never thought I’d see the day.” She laughed softly. “You probably never thought it possible as well…” She took another drink.

“I… I didn’t give up,” she said, the tears already starting to fill her eyes. “I wanted to. A lot. Nearly did a few times. But every time I got close, I could hear your bloody voice in my head… telling me to get my big girl knickers on and do my job… So, I did…”

Roxie heard footsteps from her right, but she ignored them, still looking up at the portrait. 

“And now… I won’t ever lose another pilot again,” she said. “My job is done.”

Someone sat on the ground next to her, reaching over for the bottle. She saw Herc out of the corner of her eye. He looked up at the portrait.

“She did a right good job. Though sure you know that,” he said, saluting the photo before taking a drink directly from the bottle. “Always knew she’d be good.” Roxie laughed softly and looked over at him.

“I couldn’t tell from how often you yelled at me,” she said.

“I had to. I only yell at the best,” Herc said, glancing at her. He then looked back up at the portrait. “Sure, Jamie remembers me yelling at him just as much.” Roxie looked back up at the photo. “You know he’s proud of you. Always was.” She nodded and took another drink. 

“Still doesn’t make it any easier,” she said softly. 

“Here I was hoping you’d tell me that it does get easier,” Herc said, his voice thick. Roxie shook her head. 

“It gets… manageable. But it never goes away,” she replied softly. “Not completely, anyway.”

“Suppose that’ll have to do,” Herc said. “I knew there was a high chance we’d lose pilots on this mission – that I might even die - but… I didn’t think it would be…” Roxie looked over at him, seeing him rub his face as tears fell down his cheeks. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him over. 

“I think we all hoped we could do it without losing anyone,” she said. She looked passed him and saw Jin standing at the end of the hall, watching them with a concerned look on his face. She smiled slightly and nodded, letting him know they were okay as she dropped her arm from around the older man. “Might’ve been foolish of us, but we couldn’t help it.”

“Suppose it’s our nature,” Herc said. “To always hope for the best even though we’re planning for the worst.” 

“That would be true,” Roxie said, looking back up at her brother as she took another drink. “But… you’ll get through this.” She looked back at him, meeting his eyes. “You’re rather strong, from what I remember. And if it didn’t kill me, it won’t kill you.”

“Suppose if you can survive it, that’s a good sign,” Herc said, smiling slightly, though there was no mirth in his voice.

“You plan to stay with the corps?” Roxie asked. He shook his head.

“They’ve asked me to be Marshal,” he said. “Though part of me thinks I’ve given up enough of my life to the corps… Not as young as I used to be.”

“I think you’ll make a fine Marshal,” Roxie replied. “Though I feel the same - not nearly as long as you, but 11 years is still a lot.” She looked past him again, still seeing Jin as he leaned against the wall, his eyes looking down the line of portraits. In due time, his brothers would be up there, along with Pentecost, Chuck, Aleksis and Sasha.

“So… where are you going from here?” Herc asked, looking over at her. Roxie kept watching Jin.

“Easy enough to answer,” she said as Herc looked over to see what she was gazing at with such calm resolution. “Home.”

~~~

Roxie stood on the runway of the shutterdome, looking out over the ocean. She had spent so much time there. She wrapped her arms around her as the wind blew and whipped her hair around her face.

“Rox… it’s about time to go,” Jin said, walking up to her. He was still walking with a limp but managed to get around fine on his own without a cane or crutches. After a week, he had insisted he didn’t need it, though she knew it was more out of pride than recovery. She glanced back at him and nodded, then turned back to the ocean.

“Spent so long on the coast. It’ll be odd to be back in London,” she said. “Won’t know what to do with all the noise… wonder if it’s still the same. If it’ll feel like home.”

“Home is wherever we’re together,” he said, kissing the side of her head. She swallowed as she felt the tears well up again. It seemed she had done a fair amount of crying the last week or so. Between losing three jaeger teams, thinking she had lost Jin, finding out she hadn’t lost him, and then relief that she hadn’t lost Mako and Raleigh, the final mission to close the breach, it was rollercoaster. Not to mention the memories of Jamie that she had been dealing with

“It won’t be the same,” she said. “He won’t be there. I haven’t been back there without him.” Jin studied her.

“I never met Jamie, but I like to think that he’s always been with you,” he said softly. Roxie looked up at him. “You carry him with you. Just like I now carry my brothers.” She swallowed.

“I suppose that’s true,” she said. Jin smiled down at her.

“This is a new start for us, Roxie. A new chapter. We can make whatever we want of it. Do whatever we want. The world is our clam,” he said. Roxie chuckled.

“I think the saying is, the world is our oyster,” she replied.

“I know. Just wanted to hear you laugh,” he quipped in response. Roxie couldn’t help but smile as she looked back at the ocean. “We don’t have to stay in London if it’s too painful for you. We can go anywhere. And we don’t have to figure it out now. There’s enough time for that.”

“But we should probably figure out the wedding plans,” Roxie said wryly. “Preferably before my mother plans the whole damn thing for us.”

“Would that be bad?” Jin asked. Roxie looked back up at him.

“Trust me. It would be bad,” she replied. 

“I ran into Herc. He said that he is coming to the wedding. And, of course, Mako and Raleigh,” he said.

“Wouldn’t be the same without them,” she said, starting to smile slightly. “Though why they all want to stay with the corps, I’ll never understand. Especially Mako…”

“We all handle loss in our own ways,” Jin said. “She thinks that she’s honoring Pentecost’s memory by staying.” Roxie nodded.

“She manage to find Jake? Let him know?” she asked softly. She knew things had been strained between the father and son and that Jake had cut off all contact when he left. But she also knew that he’d want to know.

“Not yet,” Jin said. “But she’s still looking.” Roxie nodded. 

“I should probably help her,” she said, her brow furrowed. “It’s not right for us to be leavin’ before I’ve done that.” Jin sighed as he turned Roxie to face him, gripping her shoulders lightly.

“It’s okay. You’ve done enough, Roxie. Mako and everyone thinks so as well. You don’t need to keep looking out for others anymore,” he said softly. 

“But I worked with him-“ Jin’s chuckle cut her off. “This is serious.” 

“I know. Just find it funny. You’ve been talking non-stop about leaving the corps and now that it’s time to do so, you’re finding more work and reasons to stay,” he said before kissing her forehead. “It’s time, Roxie.” 

She sighed as she nodded. She knew it was time to leave. Eleven years of her life had been devoted to the PPDC. It had taken her brother from her. Her sanity for a time. It nearly took the love of her life. She had given up enough for the corps. Now it was time to go home and put it behind her. 

“Are you ready to go now?” Jin asked, still gazing down at her. She smiled and nodded as she met his eyes.

“I am,” she said, her voice stronger. “Let’s go home.”


End file.
